Lost
by Raylie Knight
Summary: When Heero never showed any intrest, Duo left to find love on his own. Now, three years later, he is living each day for someone else, but when he sees Heero again at a Masquerade, he finally realizes: He's not happy. Can Heero win him back after all this
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not, I repeat, Do Not own Gundam Wing, no money is being made from this! Note: This is a Fan Fiction!!!! I cannot stress this enough!

Hey, this is an idea that popped in my head in the middle of the night…this one isn't going to be very long…but I hope you like it! I guess u could call this my birthday Fic!

11/12/85 Happy b-day to me!

2x5 3x4 1x2

Warning: male/male sex!!! Mature Content!

Lost

Chapter One: What We Settle For

Duo arched his back and clutched tightly at the lose sheets strewn about him as nails racked down his back. He moaned as he felt his own release matched deep within him. Exhausted, he collapsed forward on the bed and lay there, panting, trying to catch his breath.

Rough, but manicured hands caressed him, tangling themselves in his long, unbound hair that lay beside him, draped over one shoulder while he'd been kneeling on the bed. Duo shuddered and whimpered for his lover, knowing what he would want.

"You're so beautiful." A gentle voice whispered in his ear, a hot mouth bit his lobe and then sucked it in to be played with. Duo lay still as he could, whimpering.

"Ah, I've exhausted you, sleep now." Sheets were drawn up around him, as his lover lay next to him and pulled him close possessively. Duo let himself be drawn up and sighed in what he hoped sounded like contentment.

"Goodnight." Wu Fei whispered harshly in his ear.

"Night." Duo whispered back, but he lay awake as Wu Fei drifted off. When he was sure that Wu Fei was sound asleep he slipped out of that possessive hold and went to the bathroom to take care of himself. Then he wondered into the living room of Wu Fei's house and sat on the couch, pulling the throw on it around him. It was Wu Fei's house…not his, not theirs, Wu Fei's. Duo hadn't help to pay for it, he barely had any possessions aside from cloths and his sketch pads kept on a shelf in the living room, and he had never really ever felt 'at home' here. But this was where he belonged, he belonged to Wu Fei.

Sometimes that made him mad, sometimes he wanted to leave, to tell Wu Fei to forget it and live his life how he wanted to. But…Wu Fei loved him. He shared his home, his bed; he had helped Duo get his job just down the street at the book store. Wu Fei was the one with credit in the bank, with a credible past that could be traced in records other colonies had had of L5, without him, Duo really didn't have much to make a life from.

And in the end, he didn't really want to hurt Wu Fei, didn't want to have to go through that whole break up thing when they'd been together for so long.

So Duo sat in Wu Fei's living room in the middle of the night, staring out the window at the moon, remembering the past. Duo missed the stars…missed parties and clubs, missed his friends form the war. Duo curled his knees up to his chest and held on tightly; he'd return to bed soon, Wu Fei noticed when he was gone too long, but not yet…

Heero sat at his desk, he turned away from his computer screen and stretched, his back was starting to ache and his neck was sore. He pushed his chair away and leaned back till his back snapped and cracked and some tension eased out of his shoulders.

Heero turned to look out; it was a bright sunny day, the sun shone though the blinds, it was almost time for lunch. Heero decided to go early today, he was restless.

Heero stood and walked for the cafeteria in Preventor Headquarters, he passed several people on his way, returning their friendly greetings and banter as he went, smiling back. Peace had agreed with him, and he loved his job, it gave him purpose, but it was not all he was, he had a life outside of his work now. Heero stood in line and was still amazed that life was so much easier, that he fit in so well here. Not everyone had a past with the war like he did, but everyone had gone through the same training and everyone worked towards the same goal, to keep the peace that had been bought with blood and bullets.

Heero took his food and went to sit at an empty table, he was joined late by coworkers, but for now he sat in silence and began to eat. It was then that he thought of Duo Maxwell, as he often did at odd moments like these. He remembered the boy jester from the war, the one who perplexed him so with his smile and mischievous eyes, the same boy who could become Shinigamii with that same smile. And, he remembered the Duo Maxwell from the end of the war, the boy who was becoming, if possible, an even more attractive man, with elfish features, violet eyes, and a lithe body wound tight with muscle. Duo had always been attractive, but Heero had never allowed himself to see it till that day, and then everything had hit him, the way he'd always stolen glances, followed that braid from the corner of his eye. The way he'd reacted and hidden it, even when it was just Duo walking into a room. That day, when medals had been handed out, and hands had been shaken, and then Duo had disappeared.

He'd simply vanished and Heero realized his one mistake in the war that he could have taken back, the one mistake he could have righted right then, and he'd hesitated and then Duo was gone. Heero sighed, staring at his empty fork, he'd wanted Duo so much and he hadn't even realized it, and now it was too late, Duo was gone.

"Hey Yuy!" Heero jerked out of his daze and glanced up as fellow agent Phillips came and sat across from him. "You're here early; we usually have to pry you away from your computer, what gives?"

"Nothing, just needed a break." Heero started eating again.

"A…break?" Kitty asked, raising an eyebrow at him, her green eyes suspicious. "Are you feeling ok?"

Heero grunted his reply, he needed to get Duo out of his mind now, his chance was long gone. "How did your field op go?"

"Oh gods, don't get me started!" Kitty slumped in her chair in exaggerated exasperation. She took the subject change seamlessly and went into a tirade that lasted the rest of the lunch hour, and she was joined by their other friends as the lunch room filled. Heero was able to push Duo from his mind and laughed with them as Kitty used everything at their table to reenact her almost failed op.

After lunch Heero went back to his office, stopping by the mail room on the way. He sifted through memos at his desk and reports and found a large, off-white envelope mixed in with his mail. Heero scanned the return address, it was from Quatre.

Heero opened it and pulled out an invitation, Quatre was having a party a week from now, a masquerade of sorts. Thankfully, this had the promise of something small, limited to their friends from the war and not something too elaborate where Heero would be surrounded by politicians.

Heero checked his schedule and wrote it in when he found he had that night free, he quickly wrote Quatre a response and sent it off with the rest of his mail. It wasn't until later that day, in a lull between reports that the thought crossed his mind: Duo might be there!

He'd always been especially close to Quatre, he could, in fact, remember Duo promising to stay in touch with the blonde when last they'd all been together. Heero's heart lurched and Heero jumped when a sharp knock came at his door.

Kitty stuck her head in, "Sorry, um...could you help me with something?"

Heero shoved aside his sudden trepidation and smiled for her, "Sure."

"I've got this thing with a man selling young girls and Ember's still on leave from that bullet she took last week." Kitty smiled beseechingly, referring to her partner.

Heero hesitated, "When?"

"I was planning on going in Wednesday, I already have someone inside, but they're moving Wednesday, they know we're on to them." Kitty handed over her file.

Heero scanned it and nodded. "I'll take Ember's place…that's what you wanted right?"

"Yeah!" Kitty sighed in relief, "That or a recommendation, but you were my first choice."

Heero grunted, he would not have invited himself into the case, but he'd been wondering what Kitty was going to do while Ember was still on leave.

"Thanks, I'll make a file for you." She smiled and dashed out of his office.

Heero went back to alter his schedule, noting the part was on that Friday. The two events shouldn't conflict, he just had to be sure to leave that day open.

Duo picked up the mail on his way inside after work. He spread the mail out on the kitchen table and then went to the bedroom to change so he could start dinner. Duo changed out of his Dockers into a pair of old jeans and exchanged his button down shirt for a tight black one with mesh sleeves that stopped at his elbows.

Duo left his boots by the bed and then went to search the kitchen. He found the makings for pasta with chicken and got to work, he only got out a little before Wu Fei, just enough time to start dinner.

Duo slid around the kitchen in his socks, turning on the small radio that he'd put there after only his first few days there, and dancing to the music. He didn't like the silence in that house when he was there alone, it rattled his nerves.

Wu Fei came home; he draped his coat over one of the chairs and came to stand behind Duo at the stove. His arms snaked around Duo's waist and pulled him close as he breathed in deeply with his face pressed at the nape of Duo's neck.

"I missed you." Wu Fei said huskily.

"Welcome home, how was your day?" Duo smirked as he blackened the chicken.

"Exhausting." Wu Fei kissed his neck and then left him to change.

Duo drained the pasta and portioned it out. He ladled out sauce next and then topped both bowls with the chicken. He carried them to the table and then went back for drinks as Wu Fei returned.

They sat and ate as Wu Fei sorted through their mail. He handed a large off-white envelop over to Duo. "Open this one." He said as he took the bills and tossed the junk mail.

Duo's eyes widened in surprise, but then saw both their names on the address and Quatre's return address on the letter head. He smiled and tore open the envelope.

"It's a masquerade!" He announced excitedly.

"Another party." Wu Fei grunted in disapproval. Duo's heart dropped, he tried not to let his voice betray him.

"Can we go?" He hated the way he had to ask, hated how it sounded so much like begging, but he never let that show.

Wu Fei looked up at him, his face only showing calm curiosity. But Duo's eyes pleaded even when he tried to hide it, he really wanted to go.

Wu Fei smiled, smirked really, and nodded once. "We can go." He relented.

Duo smiled brightly, he loved Quatre, hadn't seen him or Trowa in so long! And it was a masquerade, costumes and masks, Quatre really did throw the best parties! They ate and talked a little, then retired to the living room to watch the news. Wu Fei took him on the couch, with Duo screaming into the pillows.

They went to bed, and Duo drifted off thinking about a costume set that wouldn't upset Wu Fei. Animals maybe, dragons…

Kitty sat next to Heero on the floor of the warehouse, the wall at their back as other agents rushed around them, subduing their captives and trying to calm the girls they'd released from cages.

"You doing ok?" Kitty asked, rubbing her head and smiling at him.

"Yes." Heero put more pressure on his side.

"The paramedics should be here under five minutes." Kitty pulled away his hand to look at his wound. "Bleedings slowing, clan through, I don't think it hit anything."

Heero grunted, he'd already surmised as much. The bullet had gone through him and into the wall; it was nothing life threatening and looked worse than it was.

"How about you?" He asked addressing Kitty's head wound, she'd been slammed into the wall at one point. There was a long cut at her left temple that looked like it might need stitches.

"Headaches worse than the cut." Kitty winced as she smiled. Heero smiled back, they sat and waited while their team took care of everything else until the paramedics arrived.

Heero was taken back to the hospital and given stitches and wrapped up. Kitty got stitches as well and they were both released in the wee hours of the morning.

"Go home." Kitty laughed as they were driven back to Preventor Headquarters and Heero had started to walk towards his office. "My op, I'll do the report, go home and sleep."

Heero thanked her and went home. He glanced at his costume for Quatre's masquerade hanging on his door as he walked into his room at four am. He smiled to himself and began to undress; he pulled on green pajama pants and lay down, wincing as his stitches pulled a little when he bent at the waist.

As long as he didn't overdue it at the part, he would be ok. Heero fell asleep instantly, his apartment quite in the growing light of the morning. It was going to be another sunny day, windy, but sunny.

Duo tied back his hair with a deeply purple ribbon but left it lose down his back. His was dressed in a black coat over a tight shirt and pants, there was tiger print at his cuffs, the inside lining of the coat, and at his collar. His mask was tied over his face, Tiger to Wu Fei's dragon.

He felt alive with vibration, wanting to run out into the night, it had been overcast all day with the promise of rain, the air was electric. It called to Duo, ran over his skin and tickled down his spine.

Wu Fei came out, his coat that was also black with hints of green and purple, his mask was also on and he was ready. His hair had grown in the three years they'd been together; it was now about a foot long and lay down his back, tied back with a matching purple ribbon. He smiled at Duo, letting his hunger for Duo fill his eyes, Duo blushed and danced happily.

"Ready?" He asked, edging towards the door.

"Yes, let's go." Wu Fei smiled at his caged tiger, stalking its cage, eyes alight with life. His Duo.

Heero walked into the Masquerade, he handed his coat over, the promise for rain outside was hugging the dark, blotting out the moon, and he didn't want to be caught tonight without it. He walked into a big hall in Quatre's mansion that was usually closed; tonight it was filled with flowers and people. The chandeliers overhead shone brightly and their light was reflected back in glitter on the masks that surrounded him.

Heero was a wolf, he wore a long coat that was a deep green with blood red lining and he'd even sprung for cane with a silver head in the shape of a wolf that matched his mask. He found Quatre across the large hall, standing with Trowa; they were talking with Sally Po and Noin.

Heero went over to greet them; Quatre's hair marked him while he hid behind the mask of white and gold. Trowa beside him had copied his own mask from his circus act and had come masquerading as a clown. On a closer look Quatre's was a match, two clowns. Heero greeted them.

"Heero!" Quatre smiled at him and gave him a quick hug, almost afraid that Heero wouldn't accept it, but Heero had returned it, nothing more than a quick hand to the back, but it was more than Heero had allowed three years ago. Quatre smiled brightly as Trowa greeted Heero with a warm hand on his shoulder that Heero returned.

"How have you been!?" Quatre asked brightly after Heero had nodded to both women in greeting, less forward with them.

"Good." Heero didn't want to mention that his side was bothering him a little, any mention of a wound would send Quatre into worry and Heero wanted to enjoy tonight.

Sally laughed, "As brief as ever I see, a man of few words." Heero smirked at her.

"What are you?" he countered, addressing her red and orange dress with gold inlays. She brought up her mask from her side and held it over her face; it danced with flames and small beads.

"Fire of course." She laughed. "Try guessing Noin." She challenged.

Heero studied Noin, she was in a dress that was a deep grey with blue and silver sleeves, she had a veil with little silver beads sewn on it and her mask was a grey cloud when she held it up, tinsel falling from the eyes. Heero raised an eyebrow to her.

"Rain. My lightening count is around here somewhere." She smiled at him.

"How appropriate." Heero wasn't sure if he approved or not, but it suite them, and it was well thought out.

"Young wolf, how is life in the Preventors?" Heero turned to find Relena curtseying to him. She was all in pink, her mask that of a flower.

He stiffly bowed back, his side protesting to the movement. "Very well beautiful flower." He replied and she smiled at him.

Heero chatted with the group and accepted a drink when a tray was offered. He was enjoying himself, but something was nagging at him, where was Duo, surely Quatre had invited him! Had something happened? Or was Duo not coming after all.

"Oh! There they are!" Quatre said and waved at someone behind Heero, Heero turned and nearly dropped his glass. His heart pounded in his chest and he had to concentrate not to shatter the glass in his hand once he had it in his grip again.

Duo had just walked in, there was no mistaking that hair, no mask could hide him, not from Heero. But he'd come in on Wu Fei's arm.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not, I repeat, Do Not own Gundam Wing, no money is being made from this! Note: This is a Fan Fiction!!!! I cannot stress this enough!

Here's the deal, this chapter was posted, then deleted and re-read and I went back to add things I left out the first time. Oops. Apparently all that was going on in my head did not make its way into my fingers and onto the screen! So let's try this again…

2x5 3x4 1x2

Warning: male/male sex!!! Mature Content!

Lost

Chapter Two: What We Want

Duo let someone take his coat, he had to concentrate at not leaving Wu Fei's side, he disciplined himself by keeping his arm on Wu Fei's, knowing that his lover would like that. Duo couldn't wipe the grin off his face, everything was so beautiful! And there were so many familiar faces, even if they were all behind masks.

Duo had always worn a mask during the war, even now, if he admitted it to himself; he hid behind a mask of contentment. Here, at Quatre's party, they were all on even ground, everyone was masked, hiding their true selves. Duo grinned and let Wu Fei lead him through the hall.

Duo stopped looking around to see where they were headed and saw Quatre coming to meet them. Duo waited until they were closer and then allowed himself to break off Wu Fei's arm in excitement. He rushed forward, quickening his steps till he met Quatre's embrace. Duo held on tight, crushing Quatre to him, fighting back the surge of emotion that was threatening to overwhelm him.

"DUO!" Quatre cried into his shoulder, his voice muffled by both emotion and heavy cloth. "Oh gods, I missed you!"

"I missed you too!" Duo whispered harshly into Quatre's hair. He held the smaller blonde tightly, ignoring the way Quatre's mask dug into his shoulder. He knew it couldn't last, he had to pull away from this familiar embrace, Wu Fei was a man of honor, a man of pride, and a man of jealousy, though he wouldn't admit it to himself.

Duo pulled away and smiled down at Quatre, he let his friend embrace Wu Fei quickly before his lover could protest, and then Quatre lead them back to his small group and introduced everyone. Duo smiled brightly at Noin and Sally and Trowa, he grasped hands with the women and actually threw his arms around Trowa's neck and hugged him furiously. He wondered vaguely where Heero was as he always did whenever Quatre threw one of his parties and he wondered then if Heero would even show up when he hadn't come to any of Quatre's other parties after the war. Most likely not, Heero didn't like parties.

He tried to ignore the sinking feeling inside his heart as he smiled back at Quatre. If Heero showed up it would be the first time all five Gundam pilots would be in the same place in three years. Duo sipped at a drink that was handed to him, alcohol…Duo tried to stay away from it usually, but right now, he needed it!

Duo looked around, what would Heero be dressed as if he was here? Duo amused himself that way, guessing costumes that passed him, always keeping one ear on the conversation. He could tune it out without actually losing the thread, a talent he'd developed while attending school, the brief time he'd been there while living at Maxwell Church. If asked to repeat what the teacher had just said Duo had found he could do it perfectly if he didn't wonder too far.

Duo kept his body close to Wu Fei, appeasing his lover as he searched the crowd for Cobalt eyes behind all the masks. What would Heero think if he saw them there together!? The thought came abruptly and without mercy, Duo felt his face grow hot from more than just the alcohol as he took another glass to hide his mouth behind.

Heero probably wouldn't care, knowing him, he'd ignore Duo unless forced to interact for manners sake. Duo sighed behind his glass and tried to work his way back into the conversation, he couldn't let this get to him, he was here to have fun tonight! Duo wrapped his arm through Wu Fei's, winning him a rare smile which made Duo feel guilty, but he pushed it away and smiled back, ignoring the way Quatre smiled at them.

Heero had ducked away as soon as he'd seen Duo on Wu Fei's arm, Quatre had said "They", he'd fully expected the two of them to come together, said it in a way that said Heero was too late and everyone knew it but him. Heero heard it in Quatre's voice, but more than that, he saw it. Wu Fei and Duo acted like a couple, they walked in sync, they touched in the little ways that only lovers touched, and Wu Fei held Duo off his arm like Heero had seen many men displaying their wives.

Heero backed away until he was flat against a wall and watching the group he'd left for the safety of the shadows of the room. It was well lit, but only so that the dance floor was bright, the edges of the room still held the promise of the darkness that was outside. It was also much cooler here, and Heero found that he was standing next to a large window that ran nearly form floor to ceiling. The rain outside was dark and constant, it gleamed silver just beyond the gilded panes.

Heero turned back to look at Duo, he shown next to Wu Fei, his hair was longer than ever and shone in the light, blazed as if stands of gold were laced in with his hair. But Heero had a passing though that Duo was no Tiger, he was Shinigamii. Death. His mask was hiding more than just his face; Heero could feel it, something laying there beneath the surface, the way Duo stood too close to Wu Fei, the way he smiled. It was the smile Heero had seen too often in the war, a smile that hid so much yet fooled so many.

Heero watched as Duo took another glass of champagne and laced his arm through Wu Fei's, Wu Fei smiled, he did not see that the gesture was forced on his lovers' part. Heero felt a stab at seeing them so close together, but he also felt a cold thrill, Duo was forcing himself to touch Wu Fei. He was reluctant in all his movements and he searched the crowd as if he were searching for something else…or someone else.

Heero decided then that maybe he wasn't too late, maybe he hadn't screwed this up too badly yet. Heero decided he would make his move tonight; this would be the first step to stealing Duo!

Duo took another drink, this party was turning sour to him, he'd been here for a couple of hours now, and though he was catching up with a lot of old friends, it still felt empty, like everything did these days. His job, just a routine; his house, hollow; his food, tasteless; even sex…it was all wrong.

Duo downed the drink; he was very warm and would have shed his coat if he wasn't afraid of losing it, not to mention Wu Fei. If Wu Fei found out he was drunk to soon it would spell disaster. He had to time it just right so Wu Fei figured out he'd drunk too much right as they left, he might get upset, but wouldn't cause a scene.

Duo found an empty table to put his drink down on where it mingled with others, though his was the only empty one. He had wondered away from Wu Fei for a moment, trusting Sally to keep him occupied long enough for him to catch a breather. He felt wrong; drunk, dizzy and wrong. He wanted to rub his arm where his skin had touched Wu Fei's. He felt terrible for that, that wasn't something one did at their lovers touch, it should be something treasured, something comfortable and familiar…or maybe he was just being a romantic.

Duo shivered, he wanted to leave. But he couldn't, he'd tried to leave a party once, while Wu Fei had been busy and still having fun, they'd had a bad fight. It had been bad. Duo shivered at the memory, he needed a distraction, he looked around, his back was itchy. Someone was watching him.

"Want to dance?" The voice was low and husky in his ear, Duo turned and almost fell, a strong hand on his elbow caught him and Duo found himself looking up into the face of a wolf with messy brown hair.

Duo couldn't think for a moment, he didn't recognize the voice, couldn't tell who was behind the mask, but it was just what he needed, gods knew Wu Fei didn't dance. But Duo sure as hell did, and could…and would! Gods he was drunk!

"Sure." Duo let himself be lead out onto the dance floor, and then the wolf turned back to him and jerked him so that Duo fell right into a twirl that found him in the wolf's arms. He suddenly forgot what would happen if Wu Fei stopped talking to Sally and noticed him gone, his head was pleasantly buzzed now instead of bordering on drunken nausea, and he felt joy rising in his stomach as he was spun about, through costumes and past curious eyes behind masks. He ignored knowing and disapproving looks he got from people who he should have recognized as friends, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

Duo smiled and his wolf smiled back, Duo tilted his head back and laughed and was dipped immediately. Duo found he matched his wolf step for step, something he'd always had to work at and compensate for with Wu Fei. Duo didn't notice when the song changed, just matched the new pace subconsciously and they danced faster, dizzyingly, Duo laughed harder, trusting his wolf to pull him back before he fell. And he did, every time. They spun faster, Duo gripped hard with one hand and threw his other one out in pure joy and let his hair trial behind him. He would throw himself out and then let himself be jerked back close so that their dance was like a fight, close, then break away and repeat. It did become a fight of sorts; Duo tested how far the wolf would let him go before he was pulled back and grinned wildly as he pushed off again.

The song ended to wild applause and Duo found himself pressed tightly against the wolf, breathing hard and grasping broad shoulders. There was empty space around him and the wolf where other masked faces had given berth to their dance. His knees felt weak and Duo nearly sagged as the next song started up. The wolf lifted him back to his feet easily; Duo smiled brightly, he felt wonderfully exhausted, endorphins pumping through him at an alarming rate. His heart beat jumped in this throat and he felt ready to jump out of his skin, but in a good way.

Black eyes bore into him. Duo gasped and everything shattered.

Over the wolf's shoulder he found himself looking back into Wu Fei's angry eyes. He looked back at the wolf frantically who seemed to have seen Wu Fei too and Duo suddenly found himself being dragged through the crowd in the other direction, towards the dark, back wall. Duo couldn't break away from the steel grip of his wolf, but found that he didn't want to. Really, he let himself be pushed up against the back wall, and thrilled when the wolf pressed in close to him, blocking out the rest of the grand hall.

"Duo…" His wolf growled darkly and Duo jerked at the familiarity of that voice, and then he was being kissed. He was being kissed thoroughly; a large, calloused hand ran along his jaw and back into his hair wile the other one snaked down his chest and around his waist. All Duo could do was hold on frantically, breathlessly as he was invaded and probed. Duo broke away gasping for air even more than he had been after dancing.

He remembered this thrill, this dangerous beating of his heart. And for the first time, Duo realized that the wolf's eyes were blue, cobalt blue.

"H-Heero!?" Duo gasped and then they were jerked apart.

Heero had a brief moment of being thoroughly surrounded by the vanilla sent of Duo's hair and tasting the warm, melting flavor left on his tongue from kissing Duo, and then Wu Fei got a hold of his arm and jerked him back away from Duo.

The sound of his name on Duo's tongue had been so sweet, he hadn't meant to go this far tonight, had just planned on telling Duo that he was interested, letting him know that he really did want him, after all this time.

But after that dance, after he'd held Duo in his arms, and heard that laugh…and then Wu Fei had finally realized Duo wasn't with him anymore, had turned angry and jealous eyes on them, knowing exactly who the wolf holding his lover was. Heero had found himself trying to run, trying to buy more time with Duo, to say something, anything.

And then Duo had been looking up at him, wild eyed and sweaty from dancing, alive against him, and Heero had found himself kissing him. Forcing his tongue past Duo's lips to taste him thoroughly, touching him in a way he'd never even let himself think about till then.

And now all he felt was the pain of his stitches ripping as Wu Fei shoved him away from Duo. Still, Heero caught himself and clutched at his side, keeping his feet and glaring back for all he was worth.

"Wu Fei!" Duo cried in outrage, pushing past his lover to get to Heero, realizing Heero was hurt. And Wu Fei did something unthinkable, did something Heero would never have thought he was possible of, something that made rage fill his veins and caused him to move even as his side began to bleed anew.

Wu Fei reached out before Duo had a chance to reach Heero and grabbed a fist full of his long, golden hair. Duo jerked back and nearly fell, his eyes went wide and scared and Heero saw it, saw Duo was about to cave, and that he hated it, and that this wasn't the first time.

Heero remembered the one time he'd been stupid enough to pull on Duo's hair, he'd nearly gotten his jaw broken and had been bruised for close to two weeks. Duo hadn't talked to him until Heero had grudgingly apologized, quite a feat during the war. Duo's hair was something of a blind spot where Duo was concerned; it was the one thing about him, save his cross, that had remained constant no matter what. All of the pilots knew that, all of them respected Duo's braid, even if they didn't know the reason behind it.

Heero had Duo round the waist in the blink of an eye and his other hand around Wu Fei's wrist, crushing it easily till Wu Fei let go, fighting against Heero to save the bones from being splintered. And still Heero didn't let go, didn't let up, anger making him ignore the blood quickly soaking his costume.

"Let Go!" Wu Fei cursed him in Chinese and Heero did let go, finally, the feel of Duo's frantic hands on him keeping him from squeezing that last bit that would have caused un-repairable damage.

"You're hurt, let me see!" Duo's voice said plainly that he was ignoring both of them till he was sure that Heero was ok, Heero turned so that Duo could get to his side, but kept angry, cold eyes on Wu Fei who seethed but clutched his arm to his chest and stayed where he was.

Quatre appeared and Heero finally realized they had an audience; everyone had stopped to watch them. Many faces said plainly that they were just as outraged as Heero at what Wu Fei had done, but more that that, a lot of them were glaring at him, the outsider. Wu Fei's jaw clenched visibly, staring hard at where Duo had Heero's shirt pulled up and was probing around his now open wound and then Heero felt the first wave of dizziness as Duo's hand found his ripped stitches.

"Shit Heero!" Duo cursed and quickly instructed Quatre to either call an ambulance or get him a car. Quatre waved over a tall man in a regular suit and Heero was aware of an ambulance being called, but his eyes stayed on Wu Fei, daring him to try and separate him from Duo again.

"Heero!" Heero was aware that Duo had been calling him for a while, and looked down, surprised, into brilliantly violet and angry eyes. "Sit the fuck down Heero!" Duo scolded and Heero saw the chair that had been brought for him.

Heero was reluctant, but sat and then got a tight hold on Duo's arm. Duo looked at him in surprise and then a relieved smile made his face look worn and Heero found that neither one of them was wearing their masks anymore. Heero studied the face in front of him, it was worn and tired, not the Duo he remembered, only a ghost of his Duo remained, but Heero took heart that he was still there, that meant that he could bring him back, even from this.

Another, larger hand found his shoulder and Heero looked up, Trowa was standing guard over them, eyes tight on Wu Fei. He squeezed Heero's shoulder and Heero moved to squeeze back, with Trowa taking point over them, Wu Fei couldn't force Duo to go home with him if he lost consciousness. What he didn't know in his dazed state was that Trowa was holding him down and keeping an eye on Wu Fei to make sure this didn't become physical again, a lot could go wrong if two well trained killers decided to go at it!

Heero leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes, relief flooding through him with that thought, and he was gone.

Duo felt Heero go still beneath his hands and panicked.

"Heero? Heero!?" Quatre was right there, comforting him, but Duo had trouble concentrating on what Quatre was saying.

"It's all right Duo, he's going to be fine, the paramedics are almost here, just stay calm." Duo nodded, just kept nodding, willing himself to stay calm. He held onto Heero's hand, unsure of what else to do. He was kneeling next to the chair, willing everyone to stop looking, he didn't want this, he didn't want all these eyes on him now. He had a vague thought that none of this should be public, that this was the sort of thing that was supposed to go on behind closed doors! But Heero's still hand beneath him made all of it less important, made all of it bearable, just so long as he kept breathing.

When the paramedics finally did come and Duo had a chance to look around as they loaded Heero's limp form onto the stretcher he found the hall mostly empty but for some of their closer friends. Duo spared a grateful glance to Quatre and then started to follow the paramedics out to the ambulance.

Duo was caught by a familiar hand on his upper arm, he stiffened beneath that touch, that touch that used to mean so much to him, that touch that had been his only for so long. He looked back at Wu Fei, meeting only angry eyes full of jealousy and confusion.

Wu Fei jumped as Trowa cleared his throat and came to stand next to Duo, his arms lying still at his sides, free and ready to reach out to stop him or Duo before things got heated. Wu Fei hastily let go of Duo and then he seemed not to know what to do with his hands so he went back to cradling his injured wrist.

"I'm going to the hospital with Heero, Wu Fei." Duo decided to forgo all the dancing that was about to happen and just cut straight to the point.

"Why!?" Wu Fei demanded, his eyes jumping up to meet Duo's.

"Because, he's hurt, and he's my friend." Duo felt so sad, how could he be doing this to Wu Fei, Wu Fei who loved him, who cared for him…who gave him meaning.

"And because he kissed you." Wu Fei spat ruthlessly, but Duo could only shake his head.

"Yes, and because he kissed me." Duo turned to go again.

"I love you!" Wu Fei called desperately, "And that means nothing after just one kiss!?"

"I'm sorry Wu Fei." Duo said and then did walk away, briskly, to catch up to Heero who was being loaded into the ambulance. It wasn't that this erased three years of all Duo had ever known of love, it was that Wu Fei could not stop him from helping a friend just because he was jealous! He understood how this must look, but this wasn't him leaving Wu Fei, this was him going with Heero, a friend who had been injured by his lover. The fact that he also had to talk to Heero about the kiss when this was all over just added more stress to the situation. But something in him also kept him from saying 'I love you' back, and that worried him just as much.

"This isn't over Duo!" Wu Fei yelled, and Duo flinched, he could hear hate in that voice, that voice that used to whisper to him in the night to keep away the nightmares, hate that was only ever born from love.

"I know." Duo whispered to himself, "But tonight it is."

Duo held on tightly to Heero's hand throughout the ride to the hospital and only let go when he was allowed absolutely no further. Then Duo took a post standing just outside the door he wasn't allowed past.

Quatre and Trowa weren't long after him, and though Quatre tired to persuade him to sit in one of the chairs of the waiting room, Duo firmly held his post while his thoughts ran amuck.

He heard about Heero's wound when a nurse came around to ask questions and he moaned, gunshot, Heero had pulled stitches on a gunshot wound. After that Quarter took care of answering questions while Duo firmly shoved his back as hard as he could into the wall behind him. Trowa kept vigil over both of them, bringing them coffee while Quatre talked Duo down.

When they finally let him in, Duo had to force himself not to run ahead of the nurse until he found Heero; he'd spent a good amount of time wondering about that. Like Wu Fei had said, one kiss and three years with him suddenly meant nothing. He had a hard time believing it himself, could he really be that fickle, what did that say about him, but he couldn't get rid of that extra beat his heart took at any thought that was linked to Heero.

Duo felt terrible, he couldn't begin to try and sort things out, so he shoved it aside for later and just concentrated on Heero. Duo found him lying on a stark white hospital bed, unconscious and hooked up to several tubes that lead to bags. Blood, fluids, pain meds, all of them Duo knew he would hate to be connected to were their positions reversed. But Heero had always dealt better than him, so Duo just took a seat in a chair pulled up next to the bed, trying not to get distracted by little details.

Because every little detail was distracting right now, anything so that he didn't have to concentrate on the kiss, or the tubes, or the way Heero's bangs fell over his eyes. Like the fact that they were all still in costume, or that Duo was going to have to find someplace to sleep tonight, he wasn't leaving and Wu Fei probably wasn't going to show up in the next few minutes to apologize or take him home.

Duo sat and stared at Heero, stared at the man he'd loved for so long and the man he'd thought he'd given up on. The man he had tried not to think about for the past three years. And yet, here he was. And Heero had kissed him! Duo felt elated, scared shitless, and damn guilty as well as several other emotions, all at once and it felt like he was falling backwards towards the very hard ground with nothing to protect him from his skull smashing on impact.

Duo reached out and took Heero's hand in his own. It was bigger than his, the fingers were thicker, and the calluses were still there. Duo remembered so much about him, and at the same time, it felt like he was holding the hand of a stranger. Three years…he'd been happy, or he'd thought he'd been, somewhere in there…what had Heero been doing?

The Heero he remembered wouldn't have kissed him like that.

"Gods Heero, you sure have fucked up timing." Duo chuckled, but didn't laugh. Heero's hand convulsed around his and Duo shivered. "Oh don't do that, please don't!" Duo wasn't aware that he was crying, "Don't make me love you again, it's so hard!"

But Heero's hand stayed tight around his and Duo stayed there waiting for the morning when and he could look into Heero's eyes. He stayed while part of him screamed to go back to Wu Fei, and he tried to hold all the little pieces together.

He couldn't let this go, not even after so long, and it was killing him. It wasn't that the past three years didn't mean anything to him, that he didn't love Wu Fei; it was that this was Heero, his other half. And no matter how close he'd gotten to Wu Fei, no matter how much he loved his dragon, he just wasn't his soul mate. And Duo could only weep for that loss.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not, I repeat, Do Not own Gundam Wing, no money is being made from this! Note: This is a Fan Fiction!!!! I cannot stress this enough!

Yaye, more raw emotion! I was falling asleep through the first two pages of this…so you can blame that for any inconsistency!

I warn you now that things get violent in this chapter.

Please review, or if you need to ask me something or point something out to me, go to myspace, I'll be able to respond there.

2x5 3x4 1x2

Warning: male/male sex!!! Mature Content! Violence and language.

Lost

Chapter Three: What We Fight For

Heero woke holding Duo's hand; he found it resting in his own and pulled, wondering who was sitting up with him. The hand was too big to be Kitty's or Ember's. He woke Duo, who was sleeping, sitting in the chair, bent over in half so that his head was next to their joined hands on the bed.

Heero jumped in surprise as Duo's head jerked up, his braid sliding over his shoulder. Violet eyes stared at him, blood shot and a little too wide. Overlaying a lot of other emotions that played across Duo's face, was pure panic.

"He's going to be so mad!" Duo suddenly whimpered, and Heero was absolutely positive that Duo had not meant to say that, a fact further proved by Duo's other hand shooting up to his own mouth as his eyes, if at all possible, got wider.

"Duo?" Heero asked him, confused, knowing who 'he' was, but since when had Duo cared about such things as what others would think of his actions, or how they would react to what he said.

"I'm sorry, how are you feeling!?" Duo tried to smile for Heero and Heero could only cringe at the failed attempt. But Heero pushed ahead for Duo's sake.

"I'm better than I was last night." He got a surprised bark of laughter out of Duo for that and smirked back at Duo's embarrassed smile. "Hurts." Heero admitted, cringing as he tried to sit up a little.

Duo jumped up and fumbled with his bed controls and together they got Heero sitting up a little, at least so he wouldn't have to crane his neck to see Duo. Heero smiled and looked around, he was alone in the room, most likely thanks to Quatre, and he hadn't been woken at five which meant the doctors had let him sleep, or Duo had chased them away. Most likely the latter.

"Umm, you want water or something?" Duo asked, looking down at his hands, unsure of what to do with them now.

"No, I want to go home." Heero grumbled. Duo cringed, and Heero felt like smacking himself in the forehand. "It's not your fault my stitches tore!" He realized this had probably been bothering Duo all night, along with a number of other things. He'd planned on being there while Duo fought through this, not to be confined to a hospital bed while Duo sat up all night on his own.

"Yes, it is." Duo sunk back into the chair and slouched down as far as he could without falling off. "Wu Fei is…he's…

"Different." Heero interrupted, he needed questions answered as well, "I don't remember him being like this."

"I don't know what happened!" Duo suddenly looked about ready to cry. "We started living together and suddenly he got all possessive and jealous and we stopped going to parties and eating out…" Duo deflated again, just as quickly as he'd gotten heated up. "It's my fault; I shoulda known he was going to…"

Heero cut him off, "You had no way of knowing I was injured!" Duo flinched, but stopped the tirade on himself, "You didn't know that movement was going to rip my stitches, hell, I didn't know they were going to rip! I would have rolled with it more." Heero chastised himself for letting Wu Fei sneak up on him like that, he should have known that look in Wu Fei's eyes, he'd seen it in other men before they got violent.

"Sorry." Duo apologized again, but Heero couldn't see where this one had come from!

"For what?" Heero asked, wishing he could reach out and make Duo look at him, but he didn't think he could make that move right now and he didn't want to go through all this again. He didn't like being unconscious, unable to control his surroundings, the only reason he'd let go last night was because he'd let Trowa take point, and he honestly hadn't thought he'd lost enough blood or been in enough pain to actually go under.

"For everything. Wu Fei is my…" He stopped himself, he'd been about to apologize for his lover, to tell Heero that he knew how to keep Wu Fei happy and he could have bargained himself over before things got out of hand, but suddenly he didn't want Heero to know that. He felt sick at the thought of Heero Yuy knowing that he'd placated himself to Wu Fei's needs, succumbed to someone else's' standards for himself and changed basically who he was out of a love he wasn't even sure of anymore.

"Shit!" He cursed and shoved his face into his hands. "Oh Gods Heero! Why did you kiss me!?" And there it was, he looked up in surprise of his own audacity, he hadn't planned on asking that today, had planned on waiting till Heero was out of the hospital and they could properly scream this out.

Heero looked at him, hard, stared until Duo felt his lip start to tremble, he bit down on it, he wasn't going to cry! He wasn't going to whine, he wasn't, absolutely wasn't going to let him take it back!

"Because…I want you, and you belong to Wu Fei, and I don't know how to get you back." Heero said.

"Back? Heero, you never had me in the first place, you ignored me! Out right ignored me." Duo felt so strained.

"I know…" Heero admitted, fighting against every instinct he had that screamed at him to leap out of that stupid bed and hold onto Duo before he fled.

"So then...you…" Duo couldn't seem to wrap his mind around anything that was going on, mostly he blamed that on lack of sleep, but the other part was that everything was just snowballing on him! Everything had decided to fall apart all at once, like most of the shit in his life. Luckily, the doctor chose that moment to try and get in to see Heero again.

The doctor gave Duo a very stern look that confirmed what Heero thought had happened and Duo blushed hard and moved out of the way while the doctor checked Heero's vitals. "You're doing much better Mr. Yuy, I expect to have you to of here by tomorrow. I expect you to keep from straining yourself this time, another tearing like that and we will have to keep you here until we can safely remove the stitches." The doctor threatened.

"Yes sir." Heero felt like blushing himself, the last time he'd ripped stitches had been during the war. Peace time meant time to heal, not like during the war when he couldn't have avoided the ripping.

Duo stayed silent till the doctor left. He looked up and found Heero staring at him, hard. "Um…I should really be getting home…"

"Stay?" Heero asked.

"I can't!" Duo bit down on his lip again, the utter helplessness he felt was overwhelming, he felt that separating feeling again, half of him wanting to stay here, but the other half wouldn't be ignored this time, he had to get home to Wu Fei. Had to make this right.

Heero nodded, solemnly, knowing that Duo couldn't stay. He felt terrible for leaving Duo to deal with Wu Fei's anger on his own, but he probably wouldn't be able to keep things from getting violent again if he did go with Duo.

"I'll come back to visit you before they release you." Duo promised. "We'll talk more then."

Heero nodded and watched Duo leave, when the tail end of his braid was gone, Heero slumped back in his bed and groaned. Everything had gone wrong, this was not at all how he had wanted this to play out! But more than that, an underplaying worry for Duo was growing stronger the more he thought about Duo and that look on his face when Wu Fei had pulled on his hair. That surrender had never been there before! Heero didn't like it, it spoke volumes more about their relationship than anything else!

Duo caught the bus home and sat, sulking in the back while the bus slowly made its way through the busy streets. Duo knew he'd waited too long, but he'd wanted to see Heero when he woke…if only he'd gone home last night! Duo cursed himself, gain and again for his stupidity.

If he'd gone home last night, there would have been a lot of yelling, and only a little pain, but it had been salvageable. But he'd left with Heero, he'd left Wu Fei at Quatre's, and now things were going to be so much worse!

Duo left he bus reluctantly and walked the rest of the way to Wu Fei's house. He dragged his feet, prolonging the inevitable, trying to trick himself into believing it was just another day going home form the bookstore. That Wu Fei wouldn't be there, waiting for him, that Wu Fei was at work and he had to start dinner. But it was too early for dinner, it was a Saturday and Wu Fei's car was parked corked in the driveway when he finally came to the house.

Duo swallowed hard, past his dry throat and walked up the steps, tension building in his shoulders with every step. He fumbled with his keys, trying to get the right one into the lock. Duo balked when the door flew open and Wu Fei reached out and grabbed him by his shoulder and pulled him inside.

Duo stumbled and caught himself against the wall of the entry way, he turned and looked at Wu Fei who slammed the front door shut and turned, seething, on Duo.

"Took you long enough." He spat. "Is Heero all better now, you sit there and hold his hand while they sewed him back up!?" Wu Fei's ethnicity betrayed him by turning his face red, telling Duo he'd been drinking.

"Wu Fei, Heero is my friend; I had to make sure he was going to be ok!" Do pleaded, pushing away from the wall, and backing into the living room slowly.

"Sure, of course, I understand." Wu Fei followed him, stumbling on the change from tile to rug and Duo rushed forward to catch him.

"Don't touch me!" Wu Fei snarled and threw Duo back so that the couch caught him in the small of the back.

"Sorry." Duo mumbled, hating himself for the way he cowered there. Only three years ago he would have walked out, would have stayed away till Wu Fei was sober, and wouldn't have put up with any of this. But now, now he couldn't seem to find the anger that used to fuel him. All he felt was self loathing at making Wu Fei this upset, how could he do this to someone who loved him so much.

"You kissed him!" Wu Fei accused, shoving his finger into Duo's shoulder, hard enough to bruise.

"He kissed me!" Duo pleaded, trying to appear small and innocent.

"You kissed him back!" Wu Fei yelled back, "I saw it!" He reached out and grabbed Duo's braid, pulling him close so that he could whisper harshly into Duo's ear. "Did it feel good, did you write for him!?"

"Please Wu Fei, you're drunk. I bet you didn't sleep either, why don't we just go to bed?" Duo tried to loosen Wu Fei's grip on his braid, but Wu Fei only tugged harder on it, making his eyes water and fear for it.

"I'm not drunk." Wu Fei growled low in his throat. "L2 scum." The last was spoken as an afterthought, it was something simply tossed out there, something Duo had heard many times before, something he'd always just brushed off, but hearing it from Wu Fei was a slap in the face. His eyes went wide and it hurt, it hurt like it hadn't any other time he'd heard it.

"You never talk about it, but you're really just a whore, aren't you!" Wu Fei's eyes were cold, Duo had never seen him this angry before, it scared him.

"No, Wu Fei, please, I know you don't mean..." Duo tried to speak past the growing lump in his throat, but it was getting harder with each insult Wu Fei dealt him.

"That's why you won't tell me about anything before the war, that's how you survived in that hell pit! You're just a whore! L2 breeds only thieves, murderers and whores!" Wu Fei started walking towards the bedroom, pulling Duo along by his hair.

"Wu Fei, please! Let go!" Duo hit the wall and stumbled, Wu Fei didn't slow, just pulled while Duo scrambled on the floor to keep up.

"Come on whore!" Wu Fei yanked hard and then shoved Duo onto their bed and Duo began to feel a fear, a fear he hadn't felt since he'd grown big enough to defend himself. A fear he'd left on L2, a fear that grew as Wu Fei stared down at him, standing at the foot of the bed. "Well? I provide you with a home, a good job, I feed you, pay me back."

"Wu Fei! I'm sorry, I won't see him again, ok? Is that what you want? I'm sorry!" Duo backed away, trying to find his lover somewhere beneath this stranger sneering down at him.

"I am the last of the great Dragon Clan whore; you do not speak to me!" Wu Fei climbed on the bed and reached for Duo, "You do what I tell you to!"

"Wu Fei!" Duo screamed, "Please, it's me, it's Duo!"

That was when Wu Fei back handed him. Duo fell back, hitting his head on the headboard and white light filled his vision, he fought rough hand on him, fingernails biting into his skin as they fought with his cloths.

Duo screamed, fighting what he couldn't see as his vision came back little by little, what he could feel, dominating over him. Wu Fei was so strong, he couldn't get him off! Duo panicked, he tried to worm out from under Wu Fei, falling back on every technique he'd learned as a kid on L2, big men were slow, they were drunk and sloppy! He could get away, he could! If he could just…

Wu Fei decked him, his fist connecting with Duo's cheek bone right below his left eye, Duo's world spun.

"Come on whore, you want this?" Duo felt his shirt rip and his pants were being pulled off, inch by inch as he fought to keep them up.

"Wu Fei!" Duo cried, he didn't want to hurt him! Even after all this, Duo hesitated to kick out, to hit back, he couldn't hurt Wu Fei; Wu Fei loved him! He was just mad…

Heero looked up as Quatre and Trowa came in the next morning to visit him. He was being released today; the doctor had already been in to visit him and was going to come back with release papers.

"Hey Heero, How are you doing?" Quatre took the chair Duo had used, smiling brightly at Heero.

"Good, better. They're releasing me today." Heero smiled back, nodding at Trowa who took to standing behind Quatre as they talked.

"Um…Heero…" Quatre started, he didn't know how to start, but knew he had to talk to Heero about everything that had happened.

"I know, I shouldn't have kissed him." Heero sighed heavily, he'd been expecting this.

Quatre looked relieved and pushed ahead. "Heero, they've been together for three years now. They love each other, they're happy. I know you want Duo, I was surprised you didn't make a move three years ago, but this is the way things turned out, you can't go back and change it all just because it took you this long to come to terms with…"

Heero cut him off, "They're happy?"

"Yes." Quatre smiled, "I've never see Duo happier, and Wu Fei is such a different man with Duo."

Heero looked up at Trowa, "They're happy?" He asked again, surprising both his friends.

"Yes, they are." Trowa replied, his face confused. "Why are you asking Heero, didn't you see for yourself at the masquerade?"

Heero shook his head, "Duo isn't happy."

"Heero!" Quatre sounded positively outraged.

"I can tell!" Heero persisted, "He's not happy, he's keeping Wu Fei happy, but he's miserable. It's all another one of his masks, can't you see that!?"

"We've had them both over a lot, we've been to visit them, believe me when I say this Heero, they're happy together, you can't just walk in three years later and destroy that!"

"Wu Fei pulled his hair!" Heero yelled at them, willing them to see what he had, how could they be so blind to this!?

"He didn't hurt Duo!" Quatre sighed heavily, as if trying to talk to a small chilled, explain how things were, "Sometimes it's just the only thing you can get a hold of with Duo, he moved to fast, I'm sure Wu Fei only meant to grab his shoulder…"

"No!" Heero looked to Trowa, surely Trowa had seen it, he'd moved into protect Duo too! "Didn't you see Duo's face, he's done it before, and Duo's letting him!"

"Wu Fei is not abusive!" Quatre was close to yelling too now.

"Heero," Trowa reasoned, "Maybe you're only seeing what you want too?"

"No! Didn't you see!?" Heero didn't notice how much attention they were getting now as the doctor came back and had to work his way through the nurses that had gathered around the doorway.

"Heero, I don't understand." Trowa tried to calm him down, but Heero stood and walked towards them.

"You were there, you were protecting him too, you…" Heero objected.

"I was keeping things from getting violent, the last thing we need is three Gundam pilots dukeing it out at one of Quatre's parties, it would have been all over the news for weeks." Trowa shook his head and Heero's shoulders slumped in disbelief.

"But you had to see, Duo's face, he's letting Wu Fei hurt him!" Quatre frowned at Heero, ready to walk out. "Don't you remember, I pulled Duo's hair once, I didn't know, and he punched me hard enough almost break my jaw! Why didn't he retaliate against Wu Fei!?"

"Maybe because he knows Wu Fei would never hurt him like that!" Quatre yelled back. "Leave it alone Heero! You lost, Duo's happy now! You had your chance and you blew it!"

Heero yelled, just yelled, frustrated, why couldn't they see it!? He grabbed the papers out of the doctors hand who was trying to find a way to interrupt, he signed them quickly, having signed enough in the past to get through it quickly. "Thank you." He snapped at the doctor and turned to Quatre and Trowa.

"I'll prove it." He grabbed his coat, already dressed and ready to go since the doctor had said he was going to be released.

"Heero, don't do this." Quatre followed quickly, seeing Heero's plan.

"You'll see!" Heero snapped back and Quatre and Trowa could only follow, Heero wouldn't be satisfied until he saw for himself.

"Fine." Quatre gave in as they all piled into his car and he directed the driver to Wu Fei's and Duo's home.

Heero sat at the edge of his seat the whole time, his foot jumping beneath him in anxiety. He realized halfway there that Duo had not come back to visit like he'd said he would.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not, I repeat, Do Not own Gundam Wing, no money is being made from this! Note: This is a Fan Fiction!!!! I cannot stress this enough!

Ok, so people have pointed out to me that this Fic is not up to par on everything else I've written. It's rushed, choppy, and really missing something that my other fics obviously got going for them. But if you wanna know what happens, if you've stuck it out this far to see if I can save it, here is part four. I'd really appreciate more thoughts on this fic if you've got them.

2x5 3x4 1x2

Warning: male/male sex!!! Mature Content! Violence and language.

Lost

Chapter Four: What We Can't See

Heero banged on the front door, he'd already rung the doorbell and knocked politely, but when no one had responded, he finally just started banging. His hand was red and sore, but something was defiantly wrong.

"Heero, they're not here. Wu Fei's car is gone." Quatre tired to reason with him, leaning against one of the support beams for the front porch in exasperation. Trowa reached out to stop Heero's hand from damaging the door or doing permanent damage to itself. Quatre was right; the couple was obviously not home.

"NO!" Heero batted away Trowa's hand, as gently as he could in his frustration. "DUO!" Heero yelled, he had to be here, they had to see!

Heero pushed away from the door, and Quatre breathed a sigh of relief, until he saw that Heero was walking around to the back of the house.

"Oh no Heero Yuy, you are not breaking into the house!" Quatre dashed after him, anger making him lose patience with his friend.

"Something's wrong, can't you feel it!?" Heero demanded as he trotted up the back steps and reached for the back door. He paused, looking at it, the wood around the handle was splintered, it was as if someone had opened the door while it had still been locked. He pulled and the door swung open for him, the lock had broken free of the frame and wouldn't let the door be locked again.

"Heero! What did you do! You can't just go around breaking into houses, and It's Wu Fei's house, he's going to…" Quatre started to complain as he rushed up to stop Heero.

"I didn't do it." Heero let the door sway into Quatre's hand. Quatre looked at it, and, finally, worry started to creep into his eyes.

Heero didn't need further urging; he walked briskly into the house and started to look around methodically for Duo.

"DUO!?" The kitchen was a disaster, bottle broken on the floor, empty in the sink, the refrigerator stood open, food falling out and spilled on the floor.

"DUO!" Quatre started calling frantically with Heero.

The made their way through the dinning room and through the living room. Nothing was as upset as the kitchen, but there were little things out of place, picture frames knocked over, a chair out of place but a few feet and a smashed photo in the hallway where it had fallen off the wall.

Heero broke into a run in the hallway and started pushing open doors, looking madly for the bedroom. He found an office and a bathroom and a spare room and then finally the master bedroom at the end of the hall.

There was a large, four poster bed, sheets and pillows thrown off, but it was small blood stains near the head board that caused Heero to really panic.

"DUO!!" Heero yelled, looking around, the dresser was open, one drawer completely out and laying on the floor. The bed side table was upset and the lamp was laying on the floor, bulb smashed and tiny shards of glass had worked themselves into the carpet.

"DUO?" Trowa's voice joined Heero's as Quatre began to cry.

Heero ignored them and went for the bathroom, the mirror over the sink was smashed, but the bathroom was empty, he started to leave the bedroom, Quatre checking under the bed and Trowa checking the windows to see if someone had left that way when he spotted the closed closet door.

Heero walked over and tried the door, it wouldn't open. "Duo?" He called, knocking. It still didn't open. Heero pulled harder and felt a little give. "Quatre!" Heero called over his shoulder and fought to pull, bracing one foot against the doorframe and the floor.

Quatre came over quickly, "See if you can get a look inside, tell me what you see." Heero pulled. Quatre got close to the door and when it cracked open he peeked in.

"It's Duo!" He cried, strained excitement making his voice shaky, "He's not moving!"

"What's wrong with the door?" Heero grunted, still pulling, straining to get it open.

"Something's tied off on the handle, it's…it's a…belt! A Belt!" Quatre exclaimed. Trowa reached out and got a hold on the door and together he and Heero pulled till Quatre could snake an arm in there and unhook the belt looped around the doorknob. It was a struggle, and Quatre almost lost his arm, but then the door swung open and Heero stumbled back from the lack of resistance and they all looked inside, breathing hard, with anxious eyes.

Duo was curled into a tight ball on the floor, shirt gone and pants down around his hips. His back was scared with long white lines, but fresh red ones told a tale of nails scratching down his skin. He was also heavily bruised where they could see bare skin, there was also and ugly puncture wound on his arm that wasn't bleeding anymore, but had left a large stain on the carpet.

"DUO!" Quatre cried as Heero pushed past him and turned Duo over. Duo didn't uncurl, stayed tightly hunched over and Heero had to fight to get his hands away from his face.

"DUO!" Heero yelled again and again, Duo was hot all over, and he was breathing, but he wasn't responding to their voices. Heero laid him down and put both his hands on Duo's face.

"Oh Gods Duo! Please, please wake up!" Heero started to chant, calling Duo's name over and over. He started to rock with Duo's face in his hands, cursing himself for letting Duo leave the hospital, he should have known, he'd seen! He'd seen the rage in Wu Fei, he'd seen the signs, but he'd let Duo go anyway, believing that Duo could take care of himself.

"…ro?" The voice was low, not a whisper, but ragged and strained, it made Heero's head snap up from where he'd been resting it against Duo's forehead, he looked down into half lidded violet eyes.

"DUO!" Heero heard Quatre's gasp behind him. Duo had a spectacular black eye that was split along his cheekbone, his jaw was also heavily bruised, but it was the haunted look in his eyes that spoke of the damage.

All the pilots had seen the inside of the hospital for worse wounds, but through it all, Duo had smiled. Heero had seen him smile with a dislocated arm and several gunshots, seen him smile through shards of debris embedded in his back, he'd seen him smile through burns, but this look he had now, this look spoke of internal damage that couldn't be healed with surgery and time.

"Heero?" Duo called and Heero snapped out of his daze and turned to Quatre.

"Call an ambulance!" He turned back to Duo, "Don't worry, it's going to be alright now!

"He didn't mean it." Duo said feverishly, "Just got mad, not his fault…my fault…"

"No!" Heero snapped at him furiously, Duo looked wounded and Heero had to calm himself down before he could say, "Not your fault! My fault."

Duo started to protest again and Heero just told him to be quiet. "Ambulance is coming."

"Why?" Duo asked, lookin down at Heero's side as if looking for blood, as if Heero was hurt again.

"Not for me." Heero brushed Duo's bangs out of his face, "For you."

"Not hurt." Duo protested.

"Yes Duo, you are." Heero tried to keep the sadness from his eyes, but it was a losing battle. He waited with Duo, Trowa watching over them, while Quatre called an ambulance and waited for them outside.

It was Heero turn to ride along while Duo was rushed to the hospital. He stood menacingly over Duo as a doctor looked him over in the ER. He was taken away for x-rays when the doctor found nothing immediately life threatening and Heero was left with Quatre and Trowa.

Quatre was rocking, staring at the doors that Duo had disappeared though. Trowa reached out, his own shock plain on his face. Heero watched as Trowa gathered his lover close against his chest and held on tightly, the only outward sign of how upset he was.

"Oh Allah!" Quatre let out, holding on just as tightly to Trowa, "I didn't see!" He looked at Heero, his eyes trying to convey the emotion turmoil that was raging inside him. Heero had to turn away from the guilt there, it was too close to what he was feeling. Where had he been all this time, Quatre and Trowa had been there, but they were just as gullible to Duo's masks as everyone else. If only he'd been there, if only he'd tried harder to stay in touch, all this could have been avoided, he would have noticed long ago that things weren't right.

"He didn't want us to see." Trowa whispered to Quatre, "You know that if Duo wants to hide something…"

"But I'm supposed to be his best friend!" Quatre wailed, interrupting Trowa's comfort. He wouldn't accept it, not right now. He probably felt as Heero did, that he needed to witness this, that he needed to be here for Duo, not making excuses for what he hadn't been able to stop.

Heero stood there, while Trowa tired to calm Quatre, his voice betraying the need for comfort as well, he sounded like he was convincing himself as well as Quatre that it wasn't his fault.

Heero jerked to life when the doors opened and a doctor came out, alone. Heero shoved himself forward and raced to meet he doctor, Quatre and Trowa just behind him.

"Mr. Maxwell is doing fine, he's just recovering from shock, he'll need to speak to the hospital psyche rep, but none of his wounds were serious. Mostly just heavy bruising and none of the cuts needed stitches. He'll be ready for release once he's had a talk with the psyche rep." He took a breath than and looked at each of them carefully, "I am more worried about the scarring on his back; the abrasions seem to pattern fingernails."

Quatre jerked as if he'd been struck, "You mean, he's being abused…?"

"Precisely what our rep is going to find out." The doctor still nodded, sure of himself. Heero didn't felt only slight surprise; really…it only fueled his anger, anger that was growing with each thing he found out. The doctor directed them to a room and then went on with his rounds.

Heero was followed by his two shadows as he darted around the doctor and down the hall. He came to Duo's room, he was sharing it with two other patients, but one was asleep and the other was being visited. Heero stopped at Duo's bed and started down, Duo looked so small on the bed. Had he always been that small, or was it just the way he was curling up ever so slightly, or was it that look in his eyes?

"Duo?" Heero watched as Duo's eyes slowly focused on him.

"He was so mad Heero." Duo whispered, and Heero feel to kneel next to Duo so he wasn't looking up so far, Duo rolled on his side to face Heero, talking low. "He was so mad, it was like he didn't even see me."

Heero reached out and took Duo's hand in his, he squeezed tightly, offering comfort, but afraid to interrupt. Duo went on after taking a breath, speaking quickly, trying to get it all out before the moment was lost. "He called me a whore Heero, he never, he knows…but he just grabbed my braid and pulled me after him. He was so mad, I tried to keep up, but I kept falling."

Heero felt Quatre and Trowa moving in behind him, straining to hear. "He shoved me on the bed, told me that I had to pay him back." Heero's hand tightened on his, real fear making him put things together that he'd been too afraid to think about before now. "He tried to…he tried to get my cloths off, just kept yelling at me…"

"Duo…" Quatre's voice was small, afraid of what was coming next. He held on tighter to Trowa.

"Duo." Heero kept Duo's attention focused on him, "Duo, did Wu Fei rape you?"

Duo looked at him puzzled, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "No."

Heero let himself sigh heavily in relief, he felt years fall off of him, Duo was safe. A great weight lifted off his back and tension began to squeeze ever so slowly out of his shoulders. "What happened?"

"He kept trying to get my cloths off, but when he couldn't do that, he just started hitting me. I…I…I kicked him." Duo stammered, his eyes went wide as if he was just now thinking about it, as if he just now realized what he'd done. "I kicked him and got away, I got the closet door closed and locked it. I heard him trying to get it open and looped the belt around post that holds up the rack and got the other end around the doorknob." Duo still looked panicked; his eyes looked hollow with the heavy bruising around them both.

"He kept trying to get in, kept yelling at me." Duo shivered and held onto Heero's hand tightly. "I just sat there, he wouldn't leave!"

Heero fought to keep from squeezing Duo's hand too hard, he fought to keep from jumping up and gathering Duo tightly too him as Trowa had gathered Quatre, but there was another urge, an urge he wasn't going to let go.

Heero leaned forward and kissed Duo's knuckles, keeping eye contact as he did it. "Duo, Quatre and Trowa are going to stay with you, the doctor wants you to talk with a representative from the psychiatric ward. Will you be ok?"

Duo nodded, grasping at Heero's hand, he found Heero's words as the grounding he needed. "Heero." They stayed staring at each other. And Duo couldn't even believe the words that came out of his mouth, but he couldn't deny them. "Don't hurt him. He didn't mean it. He just let his anger get the better of him. You remember how quick he was to get mad back then."

Heero recoiled in surprise, how could Duo still be defending him!? Heero felt a slight betrayal; He'd seen Duo at the masquerade, seen how he hesitated. It wasn't much, it was so small that everyone else had missed it, even Wu Fei, but it had still been there. No matter how much Wu Fei loved Duo, Duo just didn't love him back on that same level. Duo was forcing himself to stay with Wu Fei! And when Wu Fei had finally figured that out, he'd turned to anger instead of understanding. And not just this one time, scarring on his back, that's what the doctor had said, fingernails. It spoke of abuse, of an anger Wu Fei had had controlled during the war, but seemed to have now let rule him.

Heero shook his head, he couldn't understand any of it, he patted Duo's hand before letting it go, but didn't promise anything. He left, glancing back once to see Duo watching him, eyes sad. What had changed Duo so? Or was it him that had changed?

Heero found Wu Fei sitting in the middle of the park, it was cold, dark clouds lingering, promising more rain. The park was mostly empty except for a few dedicated athletes and some people walking their dogs.

Wu Fei was on a bench that was overlooking the small lake, everything silver in the muted light. He sat staring out at the water, his car parked haphazardly in the small lot behind them. Heero felt his hands go to fists inside his jacket, he wanted nothing more than to run out there, turn Wu Fei around and pay him back ten fold for every bruise on Duo. The scaring on Duo's back…images jumped around in Heero's mind, causing him to unconsciously clench harder, forcing his fingernails into his palms so that little half moons sunk into his skin. Heero hadn't been brave enough to see them, not until he was at least a little less angry, not until he had Wu Fei in his grasp.

Heero had waited long enough, he stormed forward, not bothering to make his footsteps soft, he just closed that distance between him and someone he'd once considered a friend. He reached out and whipped Wu Fei around to face him, pulling back his fist to give Wu Fei a taste of what he'd so easily dealt out…but he stopped.

Wu Fei stared up at him, surprise washed away by acceptance. "Do It!" He commanded, willing Heero to bring down his fist, but Heero had never seen Wu Fei cry before.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not, I repeat, Do Not own Gundam Wing, no money is being made from this! Note: This is a Fan Fiction!!!! I cannot stress this enough!

**OK!** so here we go **(finally!)** _and_ I found the problem wiht the underline! and soooo not my fault! Hopfully I won't have anymore problems!

Thank you for thoughtful reviews! Ok, so several of you told me that I'm doing good, which is very reassuring! Yaye for readers! Let's see what happens next!

3x4 1x2

Warning: male/male sex!!! Mature Content! Violence and language.

Lost

Chapter Five: What We Can't Understand

Wu Fei stared up at Heero, his eyes begging for the blow, but Heero felt anger leave him so suddenly that he only let go Wu Fei's arm and stood there, looking down at him. He studied the tears that had made tracks down his face and couldn't seem to fathom why Wu Fei was crying.

"Hit me Yuy!" Wu Fei jumped to his feet, "I deserve it!" He stood in front of Heero, opening up by tilting his head back and leaving his arms lose at his sides.

"What are you doing here?" Heero wasn't even sure where that had come from; he hadn't meant to ask that. Wu Fei looked just as shocked by the question.

"I…I woke up here." Wu Fei deflated a little, "I think I came here to sober up…I...don't remember a lot…but I remember…" Wu Fei shuddered, his arms came up and he huddled in on himself, "I remember Duo…hiding in the closet…from me."

Heero felt his hands go to fists again; Wu Fei didn't even remember what he'd done! Those tears weren't remorseful, they were…what were they? He could not figure it out! Everything confused him, from the moment he found out Wu Fei and Duo were lovers, everything had only gotten more and more confusing. What did they see in each other, every memory Heero had of them together was of them yelling at each other. Duo was always the jester and Wu Fei was always on the receiving end of his jokes.

"He's at the hospital." Heero felt some self satisfaction at delivering that news and felt a slight triumph when Wu Fei looked up at him suddenly with stricken eyes.

"The…h-hospital!?" His voice made Heero's triumph wither inside of him.

"The doctor said it's just bad bruising, he didn't need stitches, but they're going to look into those scars on his back." He narrowed his eyes on Wu Fei, waiting for a reaction to the last thing he'd said. To his surprise Wu Fei turned an odd shade of red.

"Those…those are…" He couldn't seem to get it out, stumbled over his words and wouldn't look Heero in the eye. Heero had an idea, Wu Fei was not a shy man, he was very blunt and straightforward, but this sudden bashfulness spoke of intimacy, the only thing Wu Fei was every put off by.

"Those are from sex?" Heero asked, needing it to be said, his suspicions were confirmed when Wu Fei sputtered and looked up at him quickly and then looked back down. He nodded, unable to speak, and looked embarrassed. Heero felt a rise of something strange inside of him; it was an anger that wasn't. He was mad that Duo was marked, but he wasn't sure if he was mad that Wu Fei had marred Duo's body or that he had done it in a passion that Heero wanted for himself. "I suppose they'll find out when the psyche rep talks to Duo."

"They sent someone from the psychiatric ward!?" Wu Fei demanded, he looked horror struck again. "What happened? Is he all right?"

The irony of that seemed to hit him; that he was asking after something he'd done but couldn't remember. But he just stood and waited, looking to Heero for the missing pieces. Heero sighed heavily, he'd come here to pay Wu Fei back for the harm he'd dealt out, but the more he talked to the man, the more he knew Duo was right, and that ate at him.

Heero sat down on the bench and waited till Wu Fei took the hint and joined him. "I talked to Duo; he said you were mad, and drunk?" Wu Fei nodded, he was properly ashamed and Heero pushed forward, "He said you called him a whore and you wanted him to 'pay you back', that you tried to get his cloths off." Heero waited while that sunk in and Wu Fei realized he'd been trying to rape Duo last night.

"I…called him…I…oh gods!" Wu Fei caught his head in his hands and let out a heavy sob. "I don't know what happened, I just…" Wu Fei tightened his fingers so that they dug into his hair which was falling out of its tie and disheveled.

Heero couldn't think of a thing to say, in truth he wanted nothing more than to simply start yelling at Wu Fei and keep yelling until he collapsed from exhaustion, but something about the way Wu Fei was reacting kept him from actually starting. He watched as Wu Fei seemed to drift through several emotions, despair, anger, fear, desperation, hopelessness, more anger, it was amazing to watch so stoic a man suddenly give in to so many emotions at once. Heero suspected that even if Wu Fei had been trying to keep any of it from showing, all this would have found a way out.

"You kissed him." Wu Fei suddenly stated and Heero was surprised that the thought that Wu Fei was able to focus on was that one in particular. He knew all to well that when emotions ran high it was so much easier to focus on one thing, one simple, small thing. But he felt trepidation building in his chest, he didn't like where this was going.

"Yes I did." He very well couldn't deny it, he had kissed Duo, but that was when an odd thought occurred to him, had Duo kissed him back?

"Why did you kiss Duo?" Wu Fei asked, he was still holding his face and decidedly not looking at Heero, as if the ground in front of him held all the wonders of the world that would answer his painful question.

"I…" Heero thought about it, he wanted to steal Duo away, to banish Wu Fei from their lives, and to have Duo for his own…no, to have Duo's love. But he knew all to well that no one banished Wu Fei, and he knew Duo wouldn't leave him.

The thought hurt, it hurt and burned inside, making him grimace, Duo really wouldn't leave Wu Fei. He was a man of conviction, he would stay out of loyalty, out of love, and he wasn't going to be deterred by one kiss.

"I wanted to take Duo away from you." Heero admitted, he could only be brutally honest with Wu Fei; it was the least he owed him after all of this. He'd really done a number. He'd rushed in, never mind what was going on with Duo already, he'd botched this mission and made things worse for everyone.

Wu Fei looked up at him, astonished. "You…are gay?"

The question caught Heero completely off guard; he actually looked around to Wu Fei with an open mouth and disbelieving eyes. "YES!" He snapped back, Wu Fei mimicking his look of astonishment.

They sat there, looking at each other, before Wu Fei looked away and Heero blushed, hard. He tried to reign in control while Wu Fei digested this information.

"I always thought…Relena…" Wu Fei mumbled.

"No! Gods NO!" Heero scowled.

"Oh." Was Wu Fei's reply. "Then…wait!" Wu Fei whipped around and grabbed his arm. "How is this…did you never see! Duo was so in love with you!"

"And I just ignored him." Heero cast his eyes down in shame.

"Why?" Wu Fei felt jealousy pushing him again, but this time disregarded it and focused on Heero's next words.

"I had never expected to outlive the war, I had no thoughts for a life after, I never expected to be able to return Duo's feelings, so I thought it better for both of us to ignore it and discourage him." Heero felt the self loathing coming back so that the back of his throat tasted of bile.

"You were trying to save you both from the pain." Wu Fei nodded; he knew he'd done it himself several times. Pushing everyone away, feeling it was better to avoid the hurt that was sure to come later. Heero nodded.

"When it was over, that last party, I thought, maybe…" Heero rubbed his arm hard, he had an urge to get up and walk away, and he was really only muddling things up more. "But he just disappeared; everyone went their own way…"

Wu Fei stared back down at his feet, thinking it through. "He approached me, and I found myself drawn to him, I'd been ignoring it so hard, it just was so overwhelming. Time went by so quickly. It's been three years and I was so sure of us." Wu Fei fisted his hands together, holding on tightly as if he could grasp that moment and keep it there. "Then you were dancing with him, and he was laughing, he…" Wu Fei felt anger washing up again, tried to push it down, and in the end he lost the battle and it ran through his veins like fire. "He doesn't laugh like that anymore; I realized he didn't smile like that anymore, that he was so muted now. And that you brought that back, that you, who he loved so…"

"You were afraid I was going to take him away." Heero finished. Wu Fei nodded, now holding down his own hands for a different reason, he would not hit another friend.

"You were right to think so; it was what I had planned." Heero sighed and looked up at the sky, he wasn't aware when the tears had started to build up, but he'd already made his decision. Now that it was made, he would stick to it, that's just the way it was, and it was how things had to be.

"Had?" Wu Fei looked to him, anger turning away in confusion.

"I'm sorry, you are my friend, and more than that, Duo is my…was my best friend. I want you two to be happy, and if you found that together, it's not my place to try and change it for myself." Heero stood and blinked away the tears; he started walking back to his car. "You should go and see Duo, you have to make things right. Don't ever let this happen again."

"Heero?" Wu Fei started after him, afraid to hope.

"I'm sorry Wu Fei, I won't kiss him again." Heero gave him a sad smile, his eyes blank in his face, seeing past him and then he left. After all, Duo loved Wu Fei, even with all that had happened, not him.

Duo wrung his hands, waiting. Trowa and Quatre had said that Heero had only been gone for a couple of hours now, but it felt like so much longer! He'd already seen the psyche rep, had that awful conversation where he'd had to explain to her that no, Wu Fei was not abusive, and that yes, the scars on his back were from very good consensual sex. Duo had felt as if he should be only a pile of smoldering ashes after he'd blushed so hard.

After the nice lady, who had been trying so hard not to laugh, had left, Duo had had no other distractions and had gone back to worrying. He loved Wu Fei, but Wu Fei had hurt him. But they had been together three years. But he had been in love with Heero, and now Heero seemed to finally see him, to want that love. But it was too late now, wasn't it?

Duo fiddled with the end of his braid as he sat and waited. Quatre had gone to find food and Trowa was on the phone with someone outside. He was sure Trowa had said who before he'd excused himself, but Duo couldn't seem to remember what he'd said.

Duo tried to concentrate on breathing, sure that his heart rate was up. Would Heero hurt Wu Fei, Duo didn't want Wu Fei hurt, not at all. He loved Wu Fei, in a big way and in a lot of little ways. He loved the way their hair mingled during that very good consensual sex; he loved the way Wu Fei held him. He loved Wu Fei in the morning when he woke late and Wu Fei had his coffee ready after his shower, the way his eyes lingered and followed Duo wherever he moved.

But what of those moments in the middle of the night, what of those times he sat up, looking out the window. When life seemed so harsh and things started to hurt, what of those times when he felt more like a possession rather than a partner in love? Didn't that speak of false love, he was sure love wasn't supposed to feel like that. He'd never felt that at…at Maxwell Church, and he knew he loved Sister Helen and Father Maxwell. But that surety faded with Wu Fei in the middle of the night, in those brief moment when everything wasn't perfect, when things felt so terribly dizzy.

Duo curled up his knees to his chest and tried to stop thinking, it was only making everything go wobbly. He watched the door; Heero had said he'd be back, hadn't he? Or had it just been implied? He'd told Heero what had happened and Heero had just stormed off…

Duo had been so sure of what Heero had been thinking, what if he'd been wrong? What if Heero was ashamed of him, that he was so weak, that he'd hesitated to protect himself? Duo didn't think of himself as a victim, but wasn't he acting like those women you saw on TV, talking about their abusive husbands and boyfriends? Is that what Heero saw when he looked at him? Duo shuddered, oh gods, he couldn't have Heero looking at him like that! It hurt so much!

Duo rocked a little, needing some movement before he broke apart at the seams. He tried to remember if Heero had said he'd be back, but hadn't he said he'd come back and then hid in his closet while Heero was released? Was that it? Was Heero made at him for not coming back to visit? Duo pulled at his hair, he couldn't stand this! He hated hospitals so much, he wanted to pull out all these needles and be in his own cloths, and to stop that beeping that was coming from every other room; he wanted people to stop walking around, to leave him alone, and to stop checking his pulse while never even looking him in the eye!

Duo had actually gone to pull out his IV when a hand came down to rest softly on his. "Don't." The soft, familiar voice told him.

Duo didn't even pause; he just reached out and flung himself at the warm, warm body so close, so comforting! He wrapped himself around Wu Fei and his fingers dug hard into his lover's shirt, tangling themselves there instinctively, keeping Wu Fei from being able to move at all.

Wu Fei's soft hand smoothed his hair and comforted him as he clung. "I wanna go home." He whispered into Wu Fei's chest, aching to be away from that sickening smell. He didn't even see the pain in Wu Fei's eyes as he looked down at what he'd done in drink and rage. Didn't notice the way his hands kept running over him, looking for wounds. Didn't notice how very gentle he was being.

"I know, I'll get us there." Wu Fei assured him and just let Duo cling to him. When Duo finally did pull back, Wu Fei went into action and began to quickly move through the process of getting Duo released. It went by in a blur as Duo struggled to hold onto himself until it could finally all be over and done. He just needed to hang on till Wu Fei got them home! He kept that as his mantra, answering questions and smiling for Quatre.

It wasn't until the car ride home that it registered with Duo that Heero had never come back. He frowned hard and Wu Fei caught it in his eye at a stop light.

"What is it?" He asked, his voice holding pain, and Duo realized it had been there ever since Wu Fei had showed up at the hospital; he's just been too out of it to notice.

"Heero, he said…I thought he was going to come back and visit." Duo tried for nonchalant, a passing thought, but he was sure Wu Fei saw through that. He cringed, waiting for a reprimand or an insult. But Wu Fei just looked a little sad.

"He said he wanted us to be happy." Wu Fei looked away and drove on as the light turned green.

Duo felt as if he'd been struck, but not slugged like he'd experienced so many times, it felt more like someone had taken a pen and shoved it into him so that all its ink spilled through his blood, turning it dark and heavy.

Heero hadn't come back to say goodbye, he'd just disappeared again, backed out, gracefully, leaving them to their life. He'd come in, a lone wolf, growling and teeth bared. And now he was gone, as silently as he'd come. That kiss had turned everything upside down, and now, now it seemed like it meant nothing.

Duo felt cold and reached over to turn on the heater, though he knew it wouldn't do, he was cold inside, where the heat wasn't going to reach.

Heero was gone. Again.

But he loved Wu Fei, had a home with Wu Fei, so this is how it should be, everything would go back to the way it was. This was right.

Duo shivered.

So why did it still hurt so much?


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not, I repeat, Do Not own Gundam Wing, no money is being made from this! Note: This is a Fan Fiction!!!! I cannot stress this enough!

Ok, so things got confused for a while and I wasn't really that sure on how to end this…note that I am not saying this is the last chapter!...so I consulted my muse! And I do have a plan! GASP! So here we go!

Sorry for the time I took to get here, for a while there I was having…not writers block, but writer unwillingness…if that makes sense. I just couldn't sit down and finish typing. But I'm good now, so yaye!

3x4 1x2

**Warning: male/male sex!!!** Mature Content! Violence and language.

Lost

Chapter Six: What We Have To Accept

Duo walked home from work, dragging his feet. He honestly had little patience for driving so Wu Fei had a car but he didn't. It hadn't been a problem since he'd gotten a job so close to home, until now. Right at that moment Duo wanted a car, he wanted a jeep, he wanted anything on wheels that would take him far enough away from…everything!

Everything hurt and bothered him and made him twitchy with an anger he wouldn't let surface. Wu Fei was overprotective and too gentle now, he was hesitant in all that he did and there was less touching. And now, more than ever, Duo needed that touch, however rough! What he wouldn't admit to himself was that the touch he needed was only to replace another he didn't have, would never have…

Duo kicked a rock off the cement and back into someone's yard and kept walking. He'd left businesses behind for their neighborhood about half a block back. Duo just shuffled forward, wanting nothing more than to yell at someone.

But he couldn't yell at Wu Fei, wouldn't yell at him! And he couldn't take this out on his coworkers, they'd had no part in anything, didn't even know anything was wrong. The one person he could've yelled at, could've had a screaming match with wasn't there to fill in the empty space he yelled at.

Duo fought with his anger constantly now, he'd done nothing wrong, in all of this he had been the one used, the one beaten, the one cast aside, the one picked back up, and he'd just gone with it, hoping that in the end things would be better. But they weren't, they were just back to how they'd always been and Duo found that his discontent that always visited in the middle of the night had carried on into the morning, into the day and back into the night till it was a constant force pounding against his head.

And it kept growing; the anger he wouldn't let out only fueled his discontent and made him irritable and sullen. Duo felt it building like a cresting wave and was trying desperately to keep that wave from crashing down and destroying him. Duo stopped, he needed a release from all this, he needed to let all this energy out, all this anger, all this…he needed something he wasn't getting because Wu Fei was prancing around him. He'd been able to wash everything away before because Wu Fei dominated everything in his life, left room for nothing else, but he wasn't like that anymore. Hurting Duo had hurt him, made him overly cautious and that had changed everything. Duo couldn't keep up his act if he didn't have something to act from, someone to fool, something to take up his time to keep him from thinking about…

Duo stopped, horror washing over him, he'd actually just thought that out! He hadn't said it, small blessing that that was, but he'd thought it out carefully and articulately, never faltering. He'd never done that before, never admitted to himself that it was an act, that he was…playing…Wu Fei…his lover.

Duo gripped his hand in a tight fist and held onto his worn backpack with the other, he started walking quickly to Wu Fei's house, dashing the last few yards up the front walkway and through the front door.

He'd already wasted enough time on his slow, procrastinating walk home, he had to make up for that! Duo quickly made a simple dinner but set it up with candles and flowers from outside. He fetched wine from a cabinet in the dinning room and set up two glasses. If Wu Fei wasn't going to play by the rules, Duo was just going to have to change them.

He left Dinner to simmer, plates waiting on the table over a white linen table cloth and hurried to the bedroom. He quickly put away all the everyday things they left lying around and switched the quilt on their bed for a black down comforter that puffed up after being unfolded. Duo lit some incense to fill the room and laid out a few choice items on the bedside table from a drawer set up in the closet.

He quickly washed his face, rushing, watching the clock tick by, re-braided his hair with practiced ease and changed cloths. He traded out his black shirt for a violet button down that matched his eyes and was soft against his skin. He pulled on lose black pants made of some stretchy fabric and left his feet bare.

Duo was checking himself in the mirror when he heard the car pull up and turned down the lights in the bedroom, lighting a few candles he pulled out of the bathroom. HE closed the door behind him and dashed into the kitchen just as Wu Fei unlocked the front door and came in.

"Duo?" Wu Fei called and Duo willed himself to ignore the plaintive note in his voice that was always there now.

"In here, dinners ready!" Duo called, keeping his voice light, but willing Wu Fei to come in here before he went to change, otherwise it would ruin everything.

"What's going on?" Wu Fei asked as he walked in through the kitchen door and froze, taking in everything before him. His tie was off and in his hand with the mail in the other and he just stood there, unwilling to enter the room as if something were holding him back physically, but at the same time trying to push him in.

"I thought we needed a change of pace." Duo smiled at him, thinking of something sweet as he did to make his face appear different in the candle light, seductive and playful.

Wu Fei's intake of breath was audible, but Duo pretended not to hear it as he set the last of the food on the table and walked towards Wu Fei, swaying his hips purposefully so that his pants swayed around his legs and jumped to cover his feet with each soft step. He took the mail from Wu Fei and set it aside; pulling on the tie he used it to lead Wu Fei into the room. He sat the man down in his chair and severed them both before taking his own seat. He let Wu Fei pour the wine and just watched him carefully, from under lowered lashes, a look Wu Fei had always mistaken for something else.

"This is nice." Wu Fei smiled tentatively, testing the waters as Duo ate another forkful and let the tines slide slowly out of his mouth, knowing exactly how it would look. He 'hmm'd' and smiled at Wu Fei, willing him to pick things up on his end, to feel what he wanted, needed, so bad.

Wu Fei finally smiled, a real smile, one Duo hadn't seen in days and began eating. Duo made small talk, keeping the conversation light but full of double meanings, leading Wu Fei down a path that left their dinner unfinished on the table and them making their way for the bedroom.

Wu Fei had Duo's top button undone and his hand snaking up the back of his shirt as they hit the door. Wu Fei finally showed true fervor, something that had been lacking lately when they made love, as he ran his tongue along Duo's collar bone, up his neck and lapped at the spot just behind Duo's earlobe, sending harsh shivers down Duo's spine as he kneed jerked him closer to Wu Fei.

They shoved in the door and Wu Fei paused, seeing the things Duo had brought out, but further than that, seeing something else Duo couldn't, hadn't, since that night. Duo fought back a heavy sigh and pulled at Wu Fei's hand, wanting to growl at the sudden lose of heat against his skin. His anger was rising again.

Duo knew he'd been changing ever since the war ended, that he wasn't the same man he'd been. He knew all to well when he let Wu Fei have his way, when he shoved anger aside and opted for different tactics to get his ends. He knew other had noticed and thought him more mature. But really, Duo also knew he was pushing part of himself down to keep this peace between them, to keep him from leaving Wu Fei and hurting them both. In truth, he had problems being this complacent, things always felt off. But the other part of him pushed away that feeling for the better one he got when he was truly with Wu Fei.

But now, now that anger had been building, he'd been hurt, let himself be hurt, and he'd gotten nothing out of it this time. A part of him was aware that his own actions had been conditioning his own behavior, with a silent reward system no one had ever seen, heard, or known about. And now it was broken.

Duo got angry and pulled Wu Fei into the room forcefully, shocking Wu Fei into stumbling into him. Wu Fei's eyes looked straight into Duo's in surprised confusion.

"Stop it." Duo ground out between clenched teeth and then he forced his lips over Wu Fei's, forcefully asking for what he needed from Wu Fei. And Wu Fei finally responded. Wu Fei's mouth opened to Duo's and then he was pushing at Duo till he shoved the back of his knees up against the bed and they both toppled over onto and into the black, down comforter.

Wu Fei's hand groped around behind Duo as Duo moved his hands along Wu Fei's chest, down to his stomach and then around his waist. Wu Fei grabbed a hold of the velvet rope lying out on the side table along with a blindfold and a tube of lube. Duo took a deep breath of lavender incense and the rough scent that hung on Wu Fei when he got home from a long day at work. Wu Fei left him long enough to pull off his shirt and undo the rest of Duo's. He helped Duo undo his neat braid till his long hair was fanned out around them and the scent of Vanilla joined the lavender.

Wu Fei also snagged a blindfold from the beside table and Duo laid his hands gently on Wu Fei's as he tied it firmly over violet eyes so that every sensation was suddenly heightened with the loss of sight.

Wu Fei grabbed his wrist from where his fingers were lightly brushing along the top of his pants and shoved his arm hard over his head. Duo let out small sound that was quickly swallowed up by Wu Fei and let Wu Fei snag his other arm so that he was lying defenseless and open before his lover. Wu Fei wound the rope tightly around Duo's wrists and snagged them through a loop of iron on their headboard. Wu Fei gently ran his tongue up the flat planes of Duo's stomach and suckled gently at every bit of skin he could, savoring the taste of Duo in his mouth.

Duo gasped as Wu Fei bit his shoulder and then nipped at his neck, lingering long enough to lay down a trail of hickeys along the line of Duo's jugular. Wu Fei kissed the spot behind Duo's ear and let his hand lay down a tracing line along his side. Wu Fei demanded submission as he yanked at Duo's pants and stripped him of the last of his cloths.

Duo shivered as Wu Fei removed his own cloths and then their bodies were touching full as Wu Fei kissed him fiercely. Duo reveled in the sensation of just their skin touching as his erection lay trapped between then along side Wu Fei's own. Duo gasped for air as Wu Fei slid his body along Duo's and hot pre cum dripped down onto his stomach.

"Please…please…" Duo begged, his need making him buck his hips up against Wu Fei's. Wu Fei chuckled heavily into Duo's ear, gasping for air himself, bracing his upper body up so that he could have free access to Duo's torso, even as their legs tangled and Wu Fei could feel Duo's toes curling against his calf.

Wu Fei groped for the lube and smeared it down his fingers and then around and into Duo's entrance as he opened Duo to him. Duo groaned and strained against the rope as his body made involuntary moments in anticipation for what was coming.

"Love you." Wu Fei gasped as he pulled out his fingers and then slid into Duo. Duo yelled out and shoved himself down onto Wu Fei and bit his lip. Wu Fei helped Duo to ride him; they began to move in a slow rhythm that quickly began to build.

Wu Fei threw his head back as he rode Duo and felt his orgasm building as he slid in and out of Duo's highness, the heat making the pressure all the more sharp. He forgot everything else and focused on Duo's voice, his sweet voice crying out in the pleasure he was giving. Wu Fei smiled and pushed harder, faster, reveling with his own eyes closed to match Duo's blindness, to match every sensation he was having. Loving Duo beneath him, squirming, shivering in pleasure, begging him for more with every move.

Duo's breath came fast and whished out against his chest as he lay back against the black comforter, sinking down with each of Wu Fei's thrust to be gently cradled in cloth and feathers. It was then that Duo breathed out one word, just before orgasm overtook them both and wrung them tightly of everything.

Wu Fei had no time to react, everything in him going numb to all but the release he shot deeply into Duo. His fingers dug into the comforter, he hands placed there safely before his release, more aware now of how often he'd reacted so violently and ran his fingernails over Duo's skin. He jerked until he was spent and then fell against Duo. Duo's seed sprayed between them, now sliding slow tracks down their bodies on either side. He concentrated on breathing, willing himself to forget what he'd just heard. He could not react, he couldn't, if he did that would mean he would have to admit to himself what Duo had said, who he'd called out for.

But there was no ignoring it, even as he curled around his lover and kissed him gently. Duo lay beneath him, trapped, bound, always. If Wu Fei thought about it, Duo had changed so much, for him…for them.

Was there ever any other time Duo was so pliant?

Duo didn't even ever respond in kind when Wu Fei spoke during their lovemaking, he would tell Duo how beautiful he was, how much he loved him, and Duo only cried out, letting Wu Fei know of his pleasure, but nothing more. And now he had, but…Wu Fei shuddered, pulling Duo closer as if he could keep him there tied up and blindfolded to the world forever. Wu Fei could tell Duo was already drifting off, spent, totally unaware.

Duo had called out…for Heero.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not, I repeat, Do Not own Gundam Wing, no money is being made from this! Note: This is a Fan Fiction!!!! I cannot stress this enough!

Took me a CD I call Falling to get me into the right set of mind to write this, but here it is. Note: Not the last chapter.

2x5 3x4 1x2

Warning: male/male sex!!! Mature Content! Violence and language.

Lost

Chapter Seven: What We Destroy

Duo woke, lying in Wu Fei's arms, confused. He was tired, wanted to go back to sleep, but soon realized that Wu Fei's grip was what had woken him, it was tight, constricting, protective and possessive at the same time. Duo would have said Wu Fei had figured out that he liked to get up in the middle of the night if he wasn't so sure that Wu Fei didn't know.

Duo pushed up against the bed and fought to gain a little room to breathe by trying to ease out of Wu Fei's grip. But Duo had to catch himself from gasping too loud as Wu Fei tightened his hold and dragged him back so he was spooned firmly in Wu Fei's arms. Duo was loath to wake Wu Fei, but he began to fear bruising around his ribs as Wu Fei's hold on him kept tightening.

"Wu Fei…love?" Duo moaned as he shook one of the arms wrapped around his waist. He shook harder when Wu Fei only settled his face further into the nape of his neck and Duo was sure that he was going to be purple around the middle in the morning.

"Wu Fei!" Duo barked and a small sound escaped him as Wu Fei suddenly jerked awake and abruptly let go. Duo took in deep breaths as he tenderly rubbed his stomach and turned over to look at Wu Fei.

"Gods!" Wu Fei watched Duo, realizing he'd betrayed himself while asleep, "Are you alright!?"

"Never mind me, are you ok? Did you have a nightmare or something?" Duo asked, pushing his feet out into the cooler air, the warmth of the heavy comforter suddenly becoming too much.

Wu Fei ducked his head, his hair falling around his face, lose from their tumble. He shook his head and stared down at the bed in front of him. He knew what was coming, knew it was going to be soon, if not right that minute, and he didn't want it to end.

He wanted desperately to go back, to rewind to that moment just before he'd found nirvana I Duo, that building, that pinnacle he'd jumped off, he wanted to stay there. He wanted to take that moment and wrap it around himself and stay there in the dark, warm and safe.

"Wu Fei…?" Duo reached out and stroked his hand along Wu Fei's shoulder and down his arm. He was confused, Wu Fei knew, this wasn't something he was expecting, he didn't see this train coming at them, full speed, derailing.

Wu Fei shuddered under Duo's touch and Duo mistook it for something else. "Wu Fei!" He admonished, thinking Wu Fei was holding back something, some nightmare he couldn't seem to share, and so he started to gather Wu Fei into his arms.

"No, Stop It!" Wu Fei shoved away, sitting up and cradling his head in his hands, he couldn't bare Duo's kindness, his understanding, not now.

Duo lay there, staring up at his lover, more confused than ever. "Wu Fei, please, you have to talk to me, you can't just shut me out. I can't help if I don't know what's wrong." Duo pleaded, getting up to kneel next to Wu Fei, trying to see past that hands that covered those black jeweled eyes.

"Duo…" Then Wu Fei let out a small and desperate laugh, the laugh of mad men, Duo shivered at its sound, he wanted this to stop, he wanted Wu Fei to lay back down, gather him up again and they'd just go back to sleep, like they had so many times.

But Wu Fei was about to say something, if only he could gather the words. He was visibly shaking now, "You don't even know." Wu Fei mumbled, so low that Duo almost didn't catch it.

"What, what is it?" Duo was growing frustrated, but he just shoved it down and waited. "Tell me and then I will know."

"He kissed you…" Wu Fei finally got out; taking a breath to go on, but Duo interrupted him.

"Oh gods, are we back to that again!?" Duo shoved a hand into his bangs and pushed them back, eyes squeezed tight in a frustration he wouldn't let out. "Wu Fei, I've told you, it didn't mean anything, he kissed me, I didn't kiss him back, it's…"

"No, stop." Wu Fei snapped, he took a breath and kept going, trying not to let his heart shatter right then and there, for it to hold together long enough for him to get this out. "He kissed you, and it did mean something! Stop pretending that it didn't!"

Duo stared, wide eyed; he felt things going numb as he watched Wu Fei gathering the sheets around him, wrapping his hands tightly as if he had to bind them in someway to keep them from expressing his feelings for him.

"Heero didn't break us, he didn't hurt anything, it was broken long before he kissed you."

Duo couldn't think of a thing to say to that, the numbness had turned to static and it was becoming difficult just to hear what Wu Fei was saying.

"He just shoved it out into the light, made me…made me see that this isn't…" He was gasping, fighting tears now, and trying to get it all out before he had to leave. Stumbling over his words, finding it hard to construct sentences anymore. Because he couldn't stay there, couldn't hold Duo again, Duo wasn't really his anymore, never had been. But he was just finding this out now.

"Wu Fei…don't do this, don't let him break us up…" Duo whimpered, finally feeling hurt break through his static and tearing and ripping things along the way.

"Duo, he didn't do anything more than open my eyes." Wu Fei looked up at him, stared into wide, scared, violet eyes and his lips trembled as he forced the next words out over his teeth, his voice sounding strange, strangled and hoarse. "You're not really happy, are you?"

Duo jerked back, as if Wu Fei had hit him again, the image it brought made Wu Fei flinch, but he watched as Duo's eyes became shocked, then sad, then ashamed and then Duo looked away.

"Why didn't you ever say anything!?" Wu Fei demanded, his voice rising in anger that easily feel into place instead of everything else Wu Fei was feeling. Duo shuddered, but kept his eyes away. "WHY!?" Wu Fei demanded, ignoring his own tears that fell easily over his cheeks and down into the now cold blackness of the comforter.

"I love you." Duo let it out with a sigh, as if still hoping to make everything right, as if that one phrase could heel it all, and yet it still bit of an excuse, of a fix-all band aide spoken in spite and regret.

Wu Fei stood, "Don't you say that, you don't! Not like I love you!" Wu Fei was broken, he couldn't push anymore, couldn't take another step with his lover and not know it for the lie it was. "Leave."

"Wh-what!?" Duo looked up then, his face open and raw emotion making his eyes brighter and desperate.

"Go, you don't belong here." Wu Fei marched into the closet, pulled down a suitcase and began throwing cloths into it. "I don't care where, but I can't see you right now. I just can't."

"No!" Duo scrambled out of the bed, tripping on the comforter and rope still tied off on one of his ankles. "Wu Fei! PLEASE!" Duo cried, reaching out for Wu Fei's arm, needing his touch, if he could just get Wu Fei to...if he could submit enough…if he could…a kiss maybe…then….

Wu Fei backed away, just one step and Duo fell short, landed on his knees in the closet and stared down at Wu Fei's bare feet. Defeat, utter defeat.

He'd failed, he was useless, not to be loved, alone. Cold.

Wu Fei dumped cloths in front of his ex-lover and stepped unfeelingly around him, making himself hard, as he walked to the bathroom and quickly gathered up Duo's stuff to dump into the suitcase. He moved form the bedroom and moved as a shadow throughout the rest of the house, knocking things over callously in his effort to gather everything up.

Duo listened to the sharp, harsh noises from the rest of the house as he slowly unwound his limbs and began to pull his cloths on. His didn't bother with shoes, they were all in the suitcase and he couldn't bring himself to even look in that direction, nor did he remove the rope form his limb. His hair stayed lose around his shoulders, heavy against his bare arms in his tank top. He didn't feel anything, everything was moving in slow motion, the pain and hurt were a dull throbbing that was so great that he couldn't recognize it otherwise he was sure to stop breathing.

Duo stood and waited. Wu Fei came back with his arms full of Duo's sketch pads, his books and a mug from the kitchen. He dumped the armload into the suitcase and shut it with a loud snap. He turned away and stared out the bedroom window, watching Duo in the reflection without having to face him.

"Go now, if I find anything else I'll send it to Quatre." Wu Fei snapped and stayed like that. For a long time Duo didn't move, just stood, staring at Wu Fei's back. Then he looked down at the suitcase, moved to pick it up and sobbed once. It was great and gut wrenching, and he touched the suitcase like it was a live grenade, but picked it up and looked to Wu Fei.

"Go. You don't love me." Wu Fei let his tears blur his vision, knowing when Duo began to move just from the little sounds he made, but mostly from a great emptiness began to fill him.

"Wu Fei…" Duo paused at the door, whispering over the great silence, but it was more than air that filled the void between them, and Wu Fei didn't even flinch at the sound of his name, just turned to look at Duo, eyes blank, face angry, but not with passion anymore, now it was just angry, as it had been years ago. "…bye."

Duo pulled at his suitcase and walked down the hall, through the living room, out the front door, down the front walkway and out onto the sidewalk. Wu Fei listened till he couldn't hear the slight scrape from every other step Duo took when the suitcase hit the ground. Then he collapsed onto the bed, weeping for the fact that everything still smelled of Duo that Vanilla and books scent that lingered on everything, it filled his senses and he stared into the dark, willing it all to just go away. It was over; it had been over, but now Duo could find happiness and now…now he could too. Real happiness.

Duo walked, ignoring the cold, ignoring the rawness of his feet that came form the concrete, ignoring the dark and finally the light as dawn crept up on him. He walked till he was on the other side of town, till he felt his eyes fighting to stay open, till his stomach began to twist into knots of hunger.

It was all so familiar, cast out, destruction left behind him, nothing ahead of him. Everything repeated, he always lost everything. All his fault.

Duo stumbled and looked around, he found a motel a block away, walked to it and checked himself in. He'd walked into the afternoon, almost night again now. He didn't need food, not really, he could last days before he'd need to fight off starvation. But he needed sleep, needed water, needed everything to STOP HURTING!

Duo fell into his room, couldn't go to Quatre, couldn't go to Trowa, couldn't go to… He fell onto the bed, curled up next to the headboard so that the wood nailed into the wall was at his back, and clutched the pillow to his chest and passed out.

He stayed there for two nights, ignoring food and trying to sort out his thoughts. He'd ruined things with Wu Fei, he'd loved Wu Fei, as much as he could, he knew that wasn't right, but what else could he have done!? It wsa times like this he wished he had the stomach for alcohol. He tried to figure out where things had gone wrong…tied to figure out what Quatre would say if he showed up at the steps of his mansion now. A lot of useless thoughts ran through his mind, and a lot of unanswered questions, but he couldn't grasp a hold of one that would get him up off the bed and out the door before he was back again.

Duo fought with himself, blamed himself, pitied himself and then he sat up and looked at his suitcase. He'd been fine, hiding everything, keeping everyone happy, been moderately happy himself, till Heero had shown up at that Damned Masquerade!

Well, Heero had ruined it, he could fix it! Duo was halfway out the door before he cursed. Wu Fei was right, Heero hadn't done this, he had. He hadn't loved Wu Fei near as much as Wu Fei had loved him…he'd been living a lie, he'd known it all along, but unwilling to face it, he'd told the lie to himself, and bought into it…

Three years ago at a party he'd waited all night, waited and watched as the love of his life had been fawned over, talked at, awarded and danced with other people. Three years ago he'd left that party with someone else, searching for love to burn out the pain. Three years ago he'd missed something, and now, three years later, it had come looking for him…

Heero had spent his day talking with Kitty and Ember; he'd taken the day off and gone over to Embers to spend it with here, only to find Kitty there as well.

"Hey!" Kitty had answered the door, surprising him enough to get him inside before he could protest. "Ember, Heero's here!"

Ember craned her neck from her nest on the couch and smiled at him, her hair spilling around her, black, her eyes eager, and her cloths rumpled. She was bored, Kitty looked slightly agitated, but happy, her blonde pigtail bouncing behind her as she narrowed green eyes at him when he hovered near the door.

"Heero?" Ember had called him over; Heero had walked numbly over, sitting and then slouching. Kitty and Ember were instantly alert.

"What's wrong!?" Kitty demanded, forgetting her trip to the kitchen to get drinks, and coming around to stand over Heero.

"I lost him." Heero said, keeping his eyes on the floor. "I waited too long, and I lost him."

"Oh, Heero." Ember soothed. Neither woman had any idea about anything that had taken place since they'd last seen their fellow agent, but their friend was in pain and they'd heard little snippets over the years about a certain braided pilot to know enough to guess what had happened.

"He'll be happy now thought…right?" Heero looked up, eyes needy, more emotion showing through them than the two had ever seen.

"I don't know Heero." Kitty admitted, "I don't really know, but I do know that you probably did what was right. You always do."

"You do more than anyone ever has the right to ask of a person, Heero." Ember nodded.

"But…" Heero frowned.

"It hurts." Kitty finished for him. He nodded.

"Always does." Ember laid a hand on his shoulder. "You just have to find something beyond the hurt, learn to accept it and move on."

Heero nodded and spent the rest of him time explaining what had happened to them. His friends had comforted him and cooked him a warm meal that didn't touch the coldness in his heart, but did help him muster the courage to drive back to his empty apartment.

Heero made himself tea, trying to remember what Kitty and Ember had told him, and sat on the couch, staring through the TV. He had to go to work tomorrow, though he didn't want to for the first time he could remember. He was glad for his friendship, felt some relief and gratitude for having others who understood him, but he couldn't stand the way they talked to him now. They were soft and understanding where they'd been sharp and witty before, and he didn't like that it had changed now.

He was going to have to go to work tomorrow, he was just telling himself he was going to act as if nothing had changed when a sharp and urgent knock came at his door. Heero paused, going silent, frozen, waiting for something to happen.

He didn't get callers in the middle of the night; if it was work related they would have called. If it was any of his friends they would have called, if it was anything in his life now, someone would have called first, let him know they were coming. Everyone he knew understood, a few of them knew first hand, that you didn't go knocking at doors that belonged to ex-soldiers in the middle of the night without calling first.

The knock came again, timid this time, hesitant and, if a knock could be, worried. Heero stood this time, getting his gun and holding it up towards the ceiling, safety off. He walked towards the door, backed against the wall, if anyone fired through the door; he wasn't going to be in the path.

The knock came once more, a kind of knock and a half and Heero threw open the door, able to keep his gun from coming down, but his nerves raw against the urge to point the gun right at the midnight callers head.

Duo looked about ready to turn and leave a large suitcase at his side halfway off the ground. Duo looked disheveled and worn to the bone. Dark circles under his eyes, his hair lose and wild about him, he looked like he'd come out the other side of a storm and then he dropped his suitcase and stared up at Heero.

Heero put his gun down, safety on, and couldn't think of anything to say. He had never expected to see Duo again, never. He was feeling everything all at once, and it was all heightened.

"Duo…?" Heero almost couldn't believe that he wasn't having some hallucination brought on by drink, but he was sure that he hadn't taken that beer Kitty had offered him.

"I'm sorry…" Duo muttered, but then seemed to scold himself and his lips firmed into harder lines, "Do you love me?"

Heero was taken aback by the question, had Wu Fei not told him that he had bowed out to the better man, that he was going to let them be and put his feeling aside, it was too late, wasn't it? But the suitcase kept drawing his eye.

"Duo, is everything ok?" Heero evaded the question; he couldn't come between his friends, his friends who had found happiness, a happiness they fully deserved.

"Heero, do you love me!?" Duo's eyes went wide and frightened, desperate and Heero couldn't not answer.

Duo looked shocked and angry and sad and…"Why didn't you say that Three Fucking Years Ago!?!" Duo yelled at him and collapsed to his knees at Heero's feet, sobbing.

Heero panicked and raced to get Duo into the apartment. Duo let himself be led in and then collapsed again, on the living room floor, unwilling to go any further.

"You stupid, stupid ASS!" Duo couldn't stop the tears, everything was falling apart, everything he'd thought he'd known, everything!

And then he was in Heero's arms. "I'm sorry."

"You should be!" Duo held on tightly, Heero rocking him. He cried for everything he'd lost, everything he'd destroyed, and he cried for what he'd almost lost forever.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not, I repeat, Do Not own Gundam Wing, no money is being made from this! Note: This is a Fan Fiction!!!! I cannot stress this enough!

Been sick, but am better now. Sorry for the delay. Here is the end of Lost. Review please.

2x5 3x4 1x2

**Warning: male/male sex!!!** Mature Content! Language.

Lost

Chapter Seven: What We Make

Duo woke in Heero's lap, he wanted to go right back to sleep, but something wouldn't let him. Duo took a moment to take his position into account. He'd fallen asleep in Heero's arms, in the middle of his living room.

Heero had somehow gotten them back against the couch so that he was sitting up, leaning back against the couch, legs spread out in front of him. Duo found himself between those legs on his stomach; his arms were wrapped firmly around Heero's waist and his head was lying against his own shoulder over Heero's thigh.

Duo became aware that Heero must still be awake, those his head was tilted back and his eyes were closed. His hand was running over his hair in small, comforting motions that made Duo shiver; he was so warm, so comfortable.

Heero started, looking down at Duo and seeing those violet eyes open and staring up at him. He tried to smile back, but lost it and then just stared back at Duo. Duo slowly sat up, bringing his knees under him and pushing himself up so that he was kneeling in front of Heero. He moved his head in a quick movement that sent his hair back over his shoulder. It was slightly limp and a little lack for luster, but it still moved as if made of water and the sight of he had Heero's full attention caught.

"How long?" Duo asked.

"You've been asleep for about four hours." Heero answered, missing the feel of Duo wrapped around him, under his hands, seeking warmth, comfort…love?

Duo thought about it, he'd come here, planning on demanding things of Heero, of maybe even forcing Heero to drive him back to Wu Fei's to explain everything. But it had all faded away in Heero's eyes, staring down at him in surprise. Duo had barely even registered the gun, now when he thought about it, it made perfect sense. He had rushed here, intent on some thought he couldn't really recall.

He'd stared back up at Heero, started to apologize then forced himself to ask what he'd come there to ask. He'd been expecting that response, but to hear it out loud had shattered though all his careful barriers instantly and he'd found himself both hating Heero and needing him so much at the same time. Skin contact, arms, everything was broken, his whole life was laying around him in tiny slivers of stained glass, so much like that night so long ago.

"May you have God's Blessing." Didn't that mean he was supposed to go and live his life the way he wanted, to be happy?

He'd wanted to hurt Heero, for the briefest moment he'd wanted Heero to feel some of the pain he'd felt, to know what it was like, to keep losing everything! And then he'd been in Heero's arms, Heero had been holding him so tightly it hurt, but Duo couldn't seem to hold onto Heero tight enough, he needed it to be hard, to know it was real. He'd cried, couldn't have stopped it if he'd tried and then he'd woken up to find out he'd slept in Heero's damn lap for four hours. Duo felt as if his own body had betrayed him, but tried to remind himself he'd been having trouble sleeping, had been holed up at a hotel for days, was in need of a shower, a good meal and about five gallons of ice cream.

He kept telling himself he had a right to be angry, that he should be, that he'd lost everything again, and that Heero had ruined it all with one kiss. But every time he looked into those dark blue eyes, he kept forgetting that anger. Every time he looked in to Heero's eyes all he saw was everything he'd ever loved about Heero. All those times he's tried to get close and been ignore or pushed away, and yet Heero would turn around and do something that denied everything he'd ever said, ever did.

Those eyes, staring down the barrel of a gun, trying to figure him out like he was some great puzzle. Heero had always seemed like he was trying to figure Duo out, even as he pushed him away, something else let him allow the arm draped over his shoulder, or accepted and returned a Christmas gift.

Duo stared into those eyes now, taking his turn to do the searching, the puzzling out. Heero was the king of mixed signals, this one was the most baffling…but for once, his actions matched his words, his eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Duo demanded, trying to find and hold onto that anger again, he needed answers now more than anything, though a part of him was screaming at him to just give in, this was what he wanted, wasn't it? So why was he poking it, prodding it to see if it was real? Inviting in the light of day to destroy this lovely, confusing mist?

"I was trying to find you all night. People kept distracting me, kept taking me in the opposite direction whenever I tried to approach you. When I finally go away, you were gone." Heero gave him the straight answer he wanted, sat back and waited for whatever reaction Duo was prone to right now.

Duo stared back at him in disbelief. "What!?" Duo couldn't keep his mouth from dropping open, from his arms falling open in an eternal question. "That's it! We just missed each other and that was it!?"

"I couldn't find you afterwards and I was needed to help found The Preventors." Heero tried to explain.

"You gave up." Duo spat, "You couldn't have loved me that much if…"

"I saw you leave with Wu Fei." Heero finally said, he'd been unwilling to bring up that memory, but if it was what Duo needed, then he'd just state it straightforward.

"You saw…me…" Duo felt horror creeping onto his face as he remembered that night, he'd let himself get drunk when he'd seen that there was no way he was going to be able to talk to Heero alone, that Heero was ignoring him as usual, that there was no use waiting. Wu Fei had approached him as the part had begun to wind down and Duo had willingly thrown himself into Wu Fei's arms, needing something to stave off the pain. One night had turned into one week, into one month, into three years. Duo had really only meant to move on from Heero, to stop loving him, what he'd ended up doing was forcing himself into a relationship he hadn't really ever been in. But he'd done everything to keep that pain from coming back.

"Oh gods…" Duo moaned and put his hands up to his ears as if he could make the music of that party stop its endless track in his head. "I didn't…I just wanted…you were…" Duo found himself gasping for air. "Damn you Yuy!"

"Duo." Heero tried to grab onto Duo's wrists, but Duo jerked away and started rocking ever so slightly, mumbling something to himself. "Duo…DUO!" Heero reached out and grabbed Duo's wrists, forced him to stop and look up.

"I know." Heero embraced the pain that was surfacing, allowed it to show though his face what he couldn't explain with words. "I know I should have done a lot of things differently, that its my fault you went home with Wu Fei, that we're here now. I know I should have just pushed everyone else away instead of you…but even if I did do everything wrong, I do love you."

Tears pooled in Duo's eyes, unwilling to fall, still unwilling to believe. He turned his head from one side to the other, a slow shake of the head, a small no…but a no to what?

"Please Duo, if you want to leave, go, if you want me to leave, I will…but please…I need to know that you don't love me anymore, that you're happy with Wu Fei. If you're not, then I'm not waiting anymore. If you're not happy…then let me…let me…"

Duo closed his eyes slowly and the tears trialed down his cheeks. His voice came soft and hoarse, "I'm not happy…"

Heero was kissing him before he'd finished, was pushing Duo backwards to the floor. He was kissing him as if Duo was air and they were floating out in space. He held on tightly, feeling a little of the disbelief he'd seen so plainly in Duo's eyes.

And then Duo was kissing him back, was wrapping his arms tightly around Heero's neck and searching his mouth. Heero found the flat plains of Duo's stomach and chest with his hands and peeled back the tank top till he could lap at Duo's hot skin, loving the small noises he worked out of Duo as they both gasped for air.

Heero dragged the shirt over Duo's head and past his hair, helped Duo unbutton his own shirt and both were lost. The feel of Duo's skin against his was electric, his back arched against the floor, willing them to be closer, never close enough.

Duo dragged his fingertips over Heero's back, dancing over the taunt muscles there, like steel under velvet or satin. The soft ridges of his scars only made the planes of his body more enjoyable to explore. Heero came back up and kissed him, holding himself up over Duo's body, so close that their joined heat in the air made sweat start to glisten on their skin. Duo reached up, holding Heero away from him, keeping him poised there.

Duo left Heero mouth and made a line of kisses down his neck and bit him lightly there, then traced his lips over Heero's collar bone with just a hint of teeth, a graze, a promise. Heero shuddered above him, his hips jerking in response. Duo felt a smile grace his lips, joy overflowing, knowing that he could make Heero Yuy react in such a way with just the touch of skin. He gently sucked Heero's nipple and clung tightly to Heero who fought to stay above Duo's body and not just drop down on him.

Heero moaned and Duo let go, looking up into Heero's face, loving the look he found there, the hunger, the need. Heero did drop down then, startling a small squeak from Duo, and the swallowed down Duo's cries as Heero's fingers began to trace the edge of Duo's pants. Duo eagerly helped as Heero began to pull them down, they only stopped when one of the pants legs stuck and refused to move.

Heero pulled it sharply, actually moving Duo along the carpet with the force and they both stared down at the rope still tied off there. Heero looked up at Duo and found pain in his face. Duo looked about ready to cry again, was shaking and holding himself tightly. Heero reached out and gently began to untie the rope. He waited and watched as Duo stared at his bare ankle and then slowly looked up at him.

"Duo…" Heero began to ask, the suitcase coming back to mind, just what had happened to bring Duo to his door in the middle of the night. And now that he was down at Duo's feet he noticed that they were cut and dirty, ragged from what looked to be miles of walking barefoot on the streets.

"I need a shower." Duo suddenly broke his train of thought. Heero looked up in surprise, a deep blush taking him over. Duo watched him turn an odd shade of red and then gave a little laugh. "I didn't mean…"

"Oh!" Heero coughed and looked away. Duo smiled, he leaned forward and cupped Heero's cheeks with one of his hands. He gently kissed Heero's cheek, moved to his ear and let his tongue flick out to gently lap at Heero's ear lobe.

"But I wouldn't say no…" Duo felt his own blush dance across his cheeks. He picked himself up off the floor, reached down and snagged the loop of Heero's pants. He led Heero to the bathroom and helped finish the undressing. Heero turned on the shower and pushed Duo in, shutting the glass door behind them. He shoved Duo against the wall where the spray wouldn't reach and kissed him.

Duo reveled in the feeling of the cold tile against his back and the heat of Heero in front of him, pressed up against him. He could feel Heero's need pressed tightly against his stomach, matching his own. Heero pulled away and slowly turned Duo around till he could tilt Duo's head back under the hot water, his hand holding him gently behind the neck.

Duo came back, smiling, water rushing down his face in fine rivulets. His eyes looked brighter with his hair dark and saturated with water. Heero ached with need, need to be inside Duo, need to possess him…no, not so much possess as be allowed inside. Be welcomed.

Heero was surprised when it was Duo who reached out for the soap, lathered up his hand and boldly reached down to run his hand up and down Heero's erection. Heero turned Duo around and placed his hands on Duo's lithe hips, forceful now, need overcoming all rational thoughts. He drove himself into Duo's entrance, allowing for Duo to adjust only minutely.

Duo reached out and braced himself on the tiled wall. He moaned as Heero paused, reigning himself in, the feel of Heero filling him so completely made it hard for Duo not to move beneath him, not to wriggle and make Heero lose that precious control he was so very proud of.

But Duo didn't have to wait long as Heero slowly pulled out till just his head was inside Duo and then he slammed back in, making Duo cry out and throw his head back. Heero pushed Duo's hair out of the way and over one shoulder, licking at the little pathways the water tracked down his back. Heero picked up a rhythm and then grabbed one of Duo's hands, he steered it around till Duo was holding his own erection and began to guide Duo into a pumping action that matched his own.

He nipped lightly as Duo's shoulder as he shoved himself in and out of Duo. He waited until he felt Duo's own need matching his and then he broke the rhythm and let his need overtake him. Duo's orgasm fell over them, making him tighten around Heero so that one more firm thrust brought Heero deep inside him. Heero rode them both so that the hot water seemed cool to the touch, but the feel of beating down Duo's back and Heero's chest added just enough sensation to make it that much more.

Duo gasped for air, Heero's arm holding him up as his knees tried to give out. He was so sure this was all another dream…had to be. But the feel of Heero inside him, the feel of the endorphins slowly wearing off and leaving him sore but happy, the feel of the hot water against his skin was all telling him that he really was there, in Heero's apartment, in Heero's arms…

Duo started to fall to the floor, Heero caught them quickly and eased them both down. Duo curled against his chest, his arms flying around Heero and holding tightly, and Duo stayed there, holding on for all he was worth.

Heero hid his tears in the spray from the shower, crying for his new lover who had no tears left. They stayed there till the water went cold and Heero quickly washed Duo's hair for him. He cleaned Duo's feet as best he could then took them both to bed with a towel wrapped around Duo's hair.

"Heero…" Duo whispered as Heero slowly began to kiss him, lips brushing lightly over his closed eyes.

"Hn?" Heero asked…grunted.

"I'm sorry." Duo whispered in the dark.

"Good God, for what!?" Heero asked in exasperation.

"For…for leaving with Wu Fei…that night." Duo's voice struggled not to crack, wavered in face of such rawness.

"Duo, that wasn't…" Heero started.

"I know…I do…but it kinda is." Duo kissed Heero back lightly. "But I'm warning you, if one more person leaves me, I'm gonna crack and Quatre's gonna either help me hide the bodies or paying for a nice padded room at the Looney bin!" Duo threatened.

"Then I'll never leave you." Heero smiled against Duo's lips, kissing him soundly.

"I…I love you…" Duo ventured, the words sounding right on his tongue even as a child in his mind screamed that they were going to be hurt again.

"I love you." Heero kissed him again and trailed his fingers lightly along the line of Duo's hip, playing in the curve of the joint where hip met leg. Duo jerked in response and reached out to wrap his legs around Heero. The child in his mind shut up and let Heero's soft voice sooth his worries and fears till he let hope back in.

Heero loved him.

The phone rang. Heero groaned and burrowed his head further under the covers, waiting for the answering machine to pick up. He breathed in deeply, ready to let out a heavy sigh and his whole world stopped as he breathed in Vanilla. Heero opened one eye, peeking out, his face wasn't burrowed under the covers, it was snuggling down into Duo's neck, his hair lose around them in golden waves.

Heero came more awake and watched as Duo stirred and reached out a hand till he grabbed the phone next to the bed. Heero smiled as the phone disappeared under the mess of covers and hair.

"Hello?" Duo's voice was heavy with sleep and muffled against the pillow. "Yeah he's here…hold on." An arm reached over Duo's shoulder with the phone held out. "It's for you." The words were slurred together into one word and Heero had to suppress a chuckle as he took the phone.

"Hello?" Heero asked and was greeted by Kitty.

"Who was that!?" Heero could even hear Ember in the background, demanding to know what was going on. It made him smile bigger.

"That was Duo."

"Oh." Kitty's voice was soft and quick. "I was gonna invite you out to lunch but never mind! You just go on doing what you were doing! We'll call back tomorrow…or not…are you going to be _busy_?"

"I'll talk to you tomorrow Kitty." Heero laughed.

"Duo answered the phone!" He heard Kitty telling Ember, then she returned her attention to him. "No seriously, if you're busy…I wouldn't want to interrupt…I mean, we completely understand if you and Duo are…"

"Goodbye Kitty." Heero said.

"Bye Heero!" Both girls coursed into the phone. "Bye Duo!" Heero hung up, cutting off the voices loud enough to carry so that Duo reacted to his name.

"Huh?" Duo turned at the waist, his legs still tangled in the blankets.

"Nothing. We're going out to lunch tomorrow. There are some people I want to introduce you to." Heero snuggled back down, pulling Duo to him, basking in the warmth of the sunlight that was softened by the curtains.

Duo 'hmm'd' softly and made little satisfied noises as he lay back into the pillows and Heero's arms. Heero smiled against his neck and kissed it softly before falling back asleep.

Epilogue

Heero waved goodbye to Ember and Kitty as he left work for the day, they waved back and ran for their car, each gathering snow along the way. Heero laughed to himself, a snowball fight was about to start in the Preventor's parking lot, the idea made him want to call Duo to come and they'd join in.

"Heero!" Heero jumped at Duo's voice, turning to find Duo somehow walking towards him in a heavy jacket and an uneven, mismatched scarf. The fresh snow falling all afternoon was now landing in his hair and dusting his coat as he walked.

"Duo, hi!" Heero met him with a kiss and smiled brightly. He gathered Duo to him and brushed snow out of Duo's bangs.

"Hey, I got out early, thought I'd come down and pick you up for a change." Duo smiled. They carpooled; Duo got dropped off a block away at the public library in the morning. They worked close enough that they could have lunch together.

"Ember and Kitty are about to have a snowball fight, want to join?" Heero laughed, Duo's eyes instantly brightened. He'd become as good a friend to his coworkers as Heero was, though he'd known that all along, he and Kitty got along perfectly and Ember seemed to go after him like a big sister.

But Duo's eyes came back a second later, serious, leaving behind the longing they'd had a moment ago looking over Heero's shoulder.

"Um…we can't." Duo shuffled his feet. "I got an e-mail at work. Sally wanted to know if we wanted to come over for dinner. I said I'd call her after I asked you."

Heero looked surprised, about as surprised as Duo had been opening the e-mail at work. "Oh…sure, if you want to that is."

Duo had thought about it long and hard, misplacing several books at work while re-shelving, his mind thinking things over. He'd only had a few meals with Wu Fei in the last two years, always with Sally and Heero there; they'd been getting less awkward. Duo really wanted Wu Fei back as a friend, and this thing with Sally was really working out, Wu Fei seemed to have finally found someone who really loved him back. And Duo love Sally, she was so full of life, and she held her own in their battles of wit.

"Yeah. I was thinking we should get together, just the four of us, before Quatre's big Christmas dinner." Duo smiled, grabbing hold of Heero's hand and squeezing it.

Heero smiled and they started walking towards the car. "Ok then. What is Sally making?"

"She said it'd be lasagna." Duo moved closer till their shoulders were touching.

"Good, we won't have to stop for burgers on the way home." Duo laughed as they neared the car.

Heero was about to get in when a snowball hit him in the back of the head followed closely by another that hit Duo in the ear. Both men turned around to see Ember and Kitty, laughing and stumbling over each other, duck behind Kitty's truck.

"Dinner's not till seven." Duo smiled across the car at Heero.

"Then we've got some time to spare." Heero smiled back and gathered the snow off the roof of the car. Duo gathered his own snowball and they ran, laughing after Kitty and Ember.

The End.


End file.
